Minihobbsch Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I am currently working on a poem. What I would like is for you members, is to help me or comment on my poem. The poem follows below... "My love for you is like a river Like a warm summer's day With a gentle cool breeze It makes my soul shiver When I'm with you, I spread my wings And feel like I could fly forever Like a free flowing bird in the sky There are no unhappy endings When you look into my eyes I feel like I never want To leave you, especially When we soar the skies I walk with you above the trees My hand upon your shoulder I feel my arm slipping off of you As we drift apart over swaying seas" I haven't got a name for it yet...but it will get a name in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shorty Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 The only things I can say... you've got a completely freeform style, so don't feel that you need to make each stanza consist of four lines. Poetry doesn't have any rules, so don't conform to anything, write it however it comes out. Also you have metaphors opening every part except the third, that seems out of place and it also feels like the weakest stanza to me. The imagery is all on form and you've got a decent running theme, so keep at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minihobbsch Posted August 3, 2006 Author Share Posted August 3, 2006 The only things I can say... you've got a completely freeform style, so don't feel that you need to make each stanza consist of four lines. Poetry doesn't have any rules, so don't conform to anything, write it however it comes out. Also you have metaphors opening every part except the third, that seems out of place and it also feels like the weakest stanza to me. The imagery is all on form and you've got a decent running theme, so keep at it. Thank you for you comment. I have recently updated my poem and taken out the third stanza. Here it is... "My love for you is like a river Like a warm summer's day With a gentle cool breeze It makes my soul shiver When I'm with you, I spread my wings And feel like I could fly forever Soaring high into the sky Where the world is never-ending. I float with you above the trees My hand upon your shoulder I feel my arm slipping off of you As we drift across the seas I fear that you won't come back I wrote to you several times Even phoned and emailed you I cannot forget and hit the sack" I will post updates on the poem until I am finally happy with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supergrunch Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 Also you have metaphors opening every part except the third First stanza starts with a simile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shorty Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 First stanza starts with a simile. Y'know, I had a girlfriend who I once used to say things like that to all the time. Now, she is not my girlfriend. You know what I learnt? Don't be a pedant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supergrunch Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 Y'know, I had a girlfriend who I once used to say things like that to all the time. Now, she is not my girlfriend. You know what I learnt? Don't be a pedant. God I want to find a grammatical error in that post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minihobbsch Posted August 4, 2006 Author Share Posted August 4, 2006 I haven't really done much to it lately, but I am finding it harder and harder to make it that little bit much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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