Strange(r's) Songs and Poetry

[Stranger]

Three songs/poems here for you. I'll post them all first, and if anybody wants to know, I can explain a little about where they came from and what I intend to do with them.

 

Autumn Starlight

 

As the setting sun sinks slowly

Into red autumn skies

I take your hand in mine, and I

Lose myself in your eyes.

 

And although the sun is setting

Your smile brightens the night.

It fills my soul with happiness

And bathes my world in light.

 

Just you and I, together

Evening stars light the blue.

Sparkling over us, they shine

So pale, compared to you.

 

Midnight Train

 

As the train pulled away, I couldn't help but sigh.

I couldn't help but feel like I'd left something behind.

They say home's where the heart is, but I know that's not true.

Because I left my heart at the station with you.

 

You know I would stay if I had a choice

Leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

But now the midnight train is dragging us apart

I still don't want this, and neither do you.

 

Moving through the dark night, isolated.

I don't know which direction my train's heading in.

There's no light at the end of this tunnel, my love.

And without you, who knows where I'm going?

 

As the train pulled away, I couldn't help but cry.

I couldn't help but feel like I should have stayed behind.

They say home's where the heart is, but I know that's not true.

Because I know in my heart that I belong with you.

 

Journey Home

 

On the train, across from you

The sad girl looks out through the gloom

Don't know why she feels so blue

Her past is still unknown to you.

You'd love to make her smile today

But still can't think of what to say.

 

You don't know where she's been

You don't know what she's seen

There's a sad girl on the train

And she's crying.

 

She's flicking through the photographs

Of last night's tears and last night's laughs.

Sad songs playing in her ears.

Pretty smile shines through her tears.

Though forward bound, her train will ride

You wonder what she's left behind.

 

You don't know where she's been

You don't know what she's seen

There's a sad girl on the train

And she's crying.

 

Feedback would be lovely-jubbly.

[The3rdChildren]

I have no poetic expertise, but I liked what I read.

[Minihobbsch]

That is nice tranger...good read/sing.

[killthenet]

I don't really like it. It's too cliche-ridden for my liking. Too much talk of sunsets and trains, no astounding metaphors that make me think.

 

But, hey, you might just be starting out, so keep at it. You'll improve over time.

[Minihobbsch]

I don't really like it. It's too cliche-ridden for my liking. Too much talk of sunsets and trains, no astounding metaphors that make me think.

 

But, hey, you might just be starting out, so keep at it. You'll improve over time.

He's not just starting out. You might want to find out some background info on the poems before you rate them in detail.

[killthenet]

So you're saying I should judge the poems on the background information and not the poems themselves? Seems pretty foolish to me.

 

I didn't like the poems, sorry to have an opinion that differs from yours. I could say something negative about Sandi Thom to belittle you, but I ain't going to. Don't try and change my opinion with your words.

[Minihobbsch]

So you're saying I should judge the poems on the background information and not the poems themselves? Seems pretty foolish to me.

 

I didn't like the poems, sorry to have an opinion that differs from yours. I could say something negative about Sandi Thom to belittle you, but I ain't going to. Don't try and change my opinion with your words.

Sorry, you took it the wrong way. I said that you should find out some info, then judge the poem.

[Shorty]

I agree with everyone here. How can I agree with conflicting opinions? Well, firstly I can force it in a vain hope that people will stop bitching at each other. Secondly, they are interesting, nice read. But, there's clichés in there too. And why not? The cliché is not forbidden, Stranger never claimed he was trying to reach out to every audience with hidden "between-the-line" meanings, or metahpors to challenge the intellect of everyone with an English Language degree. These words would serve well as a love song, or pop music, or an ode to someone you've left behind. No poetry or music is ever going to appeal to everybody - that's why one will find flaw where another finds heart.

 

Incidentally, everyone's opinion here is valid, so express it tastefully (and killthenet, while you're free to speak, think about other people's feelings first, please) argue about the poem, not each other.

[Stranger]

Thanks for the feedback so far, everyone.

 

killnet, regarding the cliches - yes, you're quite right. But those were the words as they came from me at the time. None of it is meant to be especially deep. The two poems about trains were actually written on trains. "Journey Home" was typed into my phone with the girl in question sitting opposite me.

 

They are all reflections of how I feel. That first poem, which I know is perhaps especially cliched, was the first proper poem I ever wrote - you're right in that I have really only just started with my poetry. It describes the feelings I have for my girlfriend, which I wanted to do as simply as possible. The words were swimming round my head one night, and I wrote them down.

 

I hope, as Shorty suggested, that it does work as a kind of pop song, because on Sunday the lead singer/guitarist of the band I manage will be playing at my party, and he will be playing "Autumn Starlight" with a simple acoustic melody. I hope it will be enough to win back my girlfriend, who has currently (to cut a very long story short) decided to put our relationship on hold for the time being while she sorts out her feelings.

[MoogleViper]

Whilst I don't particularly like poems I can see that these are good (even if they are a bit cliched). Nice work.

[Stranger]

Thought I'd give this a quick bump, having read some of the other more recent threads here.

 

I've written a lot more poetry since those early ones, and I reckon it's time for a bit of feedback. Any and all comments appreciated.

 

Hazel Elizabeth

 

Sat in the corner of some foreign bar

She's one drink short of one drink too far

Her laughter a lie; her smile a disguise

She's trying to hide how she feels inside.

 

It's time to move on; she knows that he's gone

And she didn't cry when she said goodbye

She untied the knot and cast him away

Now wishes it ended a different way.

 

And though she can feign the absence of pain

She knows in her heart she's falling apart

And though she may try, she cannot deny

The sadness that lies behind her brown eyes.

 

 

JH / 2006

 

 

 

Mystery White Boy

 

A gift forever left unwrapped

Potential that was left untapped

Only sketches were left behind

For his sweetheart the drunk to find

 

Yet by our grace, he still sings on

Inspiring minds and hearts through song

The girl you lost, he knew her too

By our grace, he sings on for you

 

And when love songs start making sense

They start to make heartbreaking sense

The words he sings connect with you

He's trying to forget her too

 

He'll sing and strums your pain away

Forever in that French cafe

Because good love keeps going wrong

His legacy will still live on

 

And by our grace, he still sings on

Inspiring minds and hearts through song

The girl you lost, he knew her too

By our grace, he sings on for you

 

JH/2007

 

 

21ST Century Sonnet

 

ey there sexy wasup hws it goin?

alls gd here thx. wat hav u bin doin

lol not much here jst chillin to kanye

an chattin 2 u. was ur day ok

did u get in shit 4 ur nu piercin

lol dats nuthin! wat if he found da gin

u keep in ur locker? he wud go spare

u no if it were me i wudnt care

coz i fink nethin lks gr8 on u

an dey lk even better off u too

lol jks babe i fink u is well hot tho

u gt a gr8 figure trust me i no

i luv dat pic dat u sent me ov u

mayb u could turn on ur webcam 2?

 

JH / 2007

 

[killthenet]

"And though she can feign, the absence of pain"

 

Nice rhyme Biff.