Jump to content
NEurope
Nuntendo

Your relationship with your dad

Recommended Posts

How is your relationship with your dad?

 

 

Its just something thats on my mind right now as I just recieved a text from my dad saying the following: "If you need a lift on Sunday please let me know xx. Love you lots ..sorry I wasn't a better Dad" - I mean, how do I respond to that?!?! Its true, he wasn't a good dad when I was younger. And yes, he has been trying to improve himself ever since I didn't see him between the ages of 13-17 on my own choice. I even wrote him a letter telling him about the stuff he did wrong. But what am I suppposed to say now?

It's never been in my dads nature to face reality. But like once every 6 months somehing comes out of his mouth that is really honest. And its really hard not to dismiss it.... afterall that is how he has taught me to interact with him. But even though dismissing such comments is my instinct with him, thats not something that I want to do. But what am I supposed to say? No he wasnt a good dad. And now he's an alright dad. I can tell he cares in his own way but GOD. Its so mixed message. He has always forced me to look past reality and put on an act with him and so now I have a dillema of how to react to my own father. If this was my mum I would have no problems just being 100% honest and stuff... but with him its different.

Any advice?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My dad and I never had any major problems, it was a normal father and son relationship. Which is why I find it hard to put myself in your shoes and give you rational advice.

 

Something I want to say, though:

My dad died 7 years ago and I miss him every day. If I had a chance to see him again, spend time with him again I'd take it in a heartbeat.

I have no idea what your dad did, but if there's just one tiny bit in you that thinks he may change/may have changed and really means it, you might think about giving him an opportunity to try and make it up to you.

 

This is obviously a biased and emotional advice. Give it some thought, tell him you need some time to think about it. He should understand that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
How is your relationship with your dad?

 

 

Its just something thats on my mind right now as I just recieved a text from my dad saying the following: "If you need a lift on Sunday please let me know xx. Love you lots ..sorry I wasn't a better Dad" - I mean, how do I respond to that?!?! Its true, he wasn't a good dad when I was younger. And yes, he has been trying to improve himself ever since I didn't see him between the ages of 13-17 on my own choice. I even wrote him a letter telling him about the stuff he did wrong. But what am I suppposed to say now?

It's never been in my dads nature to face reality. But like once every 6 months somehing comes out of his mouth that is really honest. And its really hard not to dismiss it.... afterall that is how he has taught me to interact with him. But even though dismissing such comments is my instinct with him, thats not something that I want to do. But what am I supposed to say? No he wasnt a good dad. And now he's an alright dad. I can tell he cares in his own way but GOD. Its so mixed message. He has always forced me to look past reality and put on an act with him and so now I have a dillema of how to react to my own father. If this was my mum I would have no problems just being 100% honest and stuff... but with him its different.

Any advice?

 

My advice would be to just tell the truth. Only then can you really both work things out and move forward. By not talking about things, you're not solving anything.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My dad died in 2009, from leukemia which he had suffered from for a while. I was there in the hospital room when he died, pumped full of drugs, attempting to speak but not being able to. I could tell he was trying to say something to me with his eyes but I'll never really know what it was.

 

He gave me my love of science fiction and encouraged my love of video games. He was an avid WoW player and his guild even sent me a condolence card, which I still have somewhere.

 

My advice? Forgive and forget as much as you're able. Parents are only around for so long and you'll never get that time back. Yes they may be annoying, others may be truly awful and a relationship with some parents will never work. But to me it seems like you want one so yeah, be honest, and try as long as it works.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What do you actually want from your dad?

 

Take some time to work out what sort of father you need and let him mow. If he's genuine about changing then he'll make an effort.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn't see my dad from around the ages of 11 and 18.

 

We get on fine now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I dont know how, but I seem to have given some people the impression here that I no longer talk to my dad or that I dont get on OK with my dad ::shrug::confused:

I made this thread because I didnt know how to react to my dad saying something honest and slightly awkward to me - thats all.

 

Anyway, someone else gave me advice to say that I appreciate that he has changed and the effort he is putting in etc but not to dismiss his past shitty parenting.

 

So, I responded to him thusly:

"Thats in the past dad. I have seen the effort you have put in and how you've changed. That has improved our relationship and I really appreciate that. Also, I was going to offer to pick you up actually as you are on my way there and back, plus it'll mean you can have a pint or two if you feel like it. Love you"

 

K, so.... he hasn't responded yet. I know he will have been awake for at least 3 hours by now. This means one of two things (1) he is going to ring me when he thinks I will be up or (2) he is going to ignore the whole situation and pretend none of the awkward stuff that was said was said.

Its more likely to be option 2 than anything. This is why I didnt want to engage. What is the point when he will just retreat back in to his own personal reality? Ugh.

 

My dad and I never had any major problems, it was a normal father and son relationship. Which is why I find it hard to put myself in your shoes and give you rational advice.

 

Something I want to say, though:

My dad died 7 years ago and I miss him every day. If I had a chance to see him again, spend time with him again I'd take it in a heartbeat.

I have no idea what your dad did, but if there's just one tiny bit in you that thinks he may change/may have changed and really means it, you might think about giving him an opportunity to try and make it up to you.

 

This is obviously a biased and emotional advice. Give it some thought, tell him you need some time to think about it. He should understand that.

 

I dont think my dad will change. I mean, he has put in a lot of effort and changed the way he used to act but he wont change beyond this point. I think its basically impossible for him. I dont hate him for it... I actually feel sorry for him. But there you go.

 

Sorry to hear about your dad.

 

My advice would be to just tell the truth. Only then can you really both work things out and move forward. By not talking about things, you're not solving anything.

 

I took this advice. But tempered it a bit. I dont know if I have any real desire to move our relationship forwards or anything. I mean, to me, its pretty OK where it is now. My dad has always taught me to be fake in my interactions with people (inlcuding him). I remember when I used to go and see my grandma he would get me to rehears what I was going to say to her before I arrived.

 

My dad died in 2009, from leukemia which he had suffered from for a while. I was there in the hospital room when he died, pumped full of drugs, attempting to speak but not being able to. I could tell he was trying to say something to me with his eyes but I'll never really know what it was.

 

He gave me my love of science fiction and encouraged my love of video games. He was an avid WoW player and his guild even sent me a condolence card, which I still have somewhere.

 

So, sorry to hear that. Your dad sounds like an amazing guy.

 

What do you actually want from your dad?

 

Take some time to work out what sort of father you need and let him mow. If he's genuine about changing then he'll make an effort.

 

I dont know if I want anything beyond what we have now. Probably because I dont expect it to go beyond this point ever. I mean, even with this text thing I am expecting him to just forget about the whole thing by today.

 

I didn't see my dad from around the ages of 11 and 18.

 

We get on fine now.

 

How come?

Edited by Nuntendo
Automerged Doublepost

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
How come?

 

He stopped seeing me and my sister because his girlfriend made him choose between seeing us and seeing their kids. I choose not to see him for a few years when he contacted us again, but I see him quite often now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He replied.

 

"Thanks. And a lift would be great"

 

 

...................................:blank:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well for what its worth my relationship with my father is kind of strained.

 

We were never particularly close when I was young. Don't know what it was but I certainly felt like he never particularly tried, or never knew how to be close/try. He would go to my brothers' football games and financially reward them when they did well but because I didn't play I don't think he knew what to do, so he did nothing.

 

Anyway, this ambled along and then my mother left him 8 years ago. I think he feels I took sides and I could totally see where he's coming from, but my perspective is simple - my mother has continued to love and support me; she'll check up on how I'm doing, ask when I'm coming back to visit etc etc etc. He only rings me if he has a computer problem. The year before last I went 11 months without seeing him and he didn't say anything about it (not sure if out of awkwardness or he didn't notice). And by and large that's fine. I don't have a close relationship with my father and at this stage I don't feel that I need one.

 

However I do quite often feel like I'm treated unfavourably compared to my siblings. They all still live in the same town, I live ~150 miles away. I'm the last one to know about Christmas plans (we historically see his side on boxing day, but they have been randomly changing it each year). And it's not just telling me a day or two later. He'll tell my siblings at the start of December and I found out last year about 1pm on Christmas Day. Obviously I find out through the grapevine and can arrange my travel accordingly (the biggest issue really, as I typically travel back on the 27th), but it's just little things like that and I've told him on numerous occasions I need to know. Just little things like that I think become problematic because of our history. They're not big issues, but when I already feel like he doesn't really care it doesn't help.

 

Oh and one final story - he saw my mother earlier this year and made some snide comment about how I never sent him a father's day card last year. I reminded her what happened on my birthday last year - he picked me up and said "sorry, I forgot it was your birthday and I have your brother some money so here's £20". Now it's not the money (nice as it is), but it's the lack of forethought or care. He was picking me up outside M&S where they sell cards and have a cash machine! It annoyed me and he does bring out my petty side so I didn't send him one.

 

Anyway, I need to go post his father's day card.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
He only rings me if he has a computer problem.

 

Wouldn't it be better to just ring @Shorty?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Died before I was born. So it was a pretty one-sided relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
He replied.

 

"Thanks. And a lift would be great"

 

 

...................................:blank:

Whilst I do understand and have read your story, I don't think it's something to be disappointed by. He responded. You shouldn't expect heavy texts of that calibre because I think these things are something that should be said face-to-face. Maybe that could be the best time to bring it up?

 

My relationship with my Dad is awesome tbh. It was always my Dad, my Grandad and me. We were more like best friends than anything. Well, we're all close because everyone else (except for my stepmom) were shitholes who never bothered with me and, without boring you with details, wasn't exactly supportive or encouraging whatsoever. That's where my Dad, Grandad and Stepmom came in.

 

Obviously one person is missing this year so it's going to be weird but me and my Dad are closer than ever. We have our squabbles but they've never been serious. Within the hour, we forget it's happened and just carry on. We have a laugh and stuff.

 

My relationship with my Dad (and stepmom) is great. The problem is with every single family member outside of them two, which is extremely odd to say.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
He replied.

 

"Thanks. And a lift would be great"

 

 

...................................:blank:

 

He was probably just trying to play it off as not a big deal and keep things friendly.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Forgive me for asking, but did this start off as your dad offering you a lift somewhere and you have somehow turned it around to you giving him a lift instead?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah I wouldn't take much into the "lack" of emotional response there, he's probably trying to let you know he still cares without opening wounds too much.

 

I have a great relationship with my Dad, him & I are very alike, I was always a daddy's girl. Yet we don't have huge emotional things. I moved into a house I just purchased recently, and we were all working like mad to get stuff done, which resulted in all of us being a bit ratty - I was doing some DIY and my dad took over a little bit, and I got cross then he did too. But I dropped him a text to say sorry and he said the same, and that was it. We don't really do emotion. But we still have a really good relationship. I guess I get my emotional support more from my mum, sister or friends..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stepfather was always "Dad" from the get-go, I actually can't remember a time when he wasn't in my life. I think he entered into my world at around 18 months old. He asked me to call him dad one day and he was just dad from then. He was a pretty good father for the first 15 years of my life, but as soon as he and mum divorced and he remarried, things got shit. He just became hugely emotionally distant, unhelpful and dismissive. I begged him to come to mum's funeral when I was 16, but he refused. He was always late for meeting me at school when there was an event on, he would rarely come and watch choir or band performances. I know he was working hard at the time, as the divorce was financially draining. But still, it continued and never really improved - there were several times that I was locked out of the house late night because he forgot I was coming home.

 

At university I would get a phone call on my birthday, maybe another one at some point during term. There'd be a text message to confirm when I'm coming home and he would come and meet me. At age 23 I had a minor argument with Stepmother - I was off out on a date and they asked me to babysit for an hour at about ten minutes notice, then they were away for two hours. I asked for a lift and the response was an upper-class "go fuck yourself." Next day dad told me to move out within six months. Then I moved to China.

 

More of the same really - when they remember I'll get an email or a text. Though things have picked up recently: Dad even told me he was desperate to see me this Christmas and missed me the last two. Of course, I won't actually be able to stay at the house as they are unwilling to make room (They have four bedrooms, three people with grandma visiting for whole of Christmas). So I have to stay in a guesthouse or something.

 

Biological father - I only met this man for the first time when I was 18. I remember being told a story of how after I was born he had literally run through the streets of our small town screaming "IT ISN'T MINE!" and that story being corroborated by several other people. At the time, I had no idea who this man was, but to hear that he didn't want me and had disowned me without even meeting me... was horrible to say the least.

 

As it turns out, he wasn't my father. He just had better career prospects than my actual biological father. For years I had no interest in meeting the man that had been so disrespectful and inhuman. Then one day, at my grandparent's house, I saw a newspaper clipping of a guy I knew called Chris. He had saved someone's life after they threw themselves off the pier. I said "I know that guy, he used to come to the cafe when I worked there... Why did you keep that clipping?"

 

...

 

"...he MIGHT be your uncle."

 

Off I trotted to my great aunt who told me the whole story: how grandma shut my biological father out of my life because he had no career, education or future - even though he was desperate to take responsibility. She tried to trap the other guy into taking me on because had - in their estimation - a future and would be able to take care of us. I went through the first 18 years of my life convinced that my father didn't want me.

 

So I met him just before I went to University, and yep, one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. Absolutely never had much of a life or future or so on. But described as a wonderful person by everyone who met him. We kept in close touch until I left for China and we have since not spoken for 9 years. I lost his phone number when I lost my phone 9 years ago.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Holy fuck, we're a bunch of drama filled lot. We definitely have more weird relationships/dead parents than like... a random group of people? Surely?

 

Hmm. I think it's probably gotten worse.

 

When I was younger, I think it was pretty normal. My parents split up and I used to see him every three weeks. He'd come and take my sister and I out for the day, and then three weeks after that I'd stay at his for the weekend, eventually my sister got too old for this so it was just me. Fairly standard, normal-ish but somewhat distant relationship.

 

Then that kinda stopped when I got a little bit older.

 

Then my mum died, and pretty much immediately after that happened (not related though) he moved to Italy (with a woman he married, whom is a nasty piece of work - e.g. didn't want him going to mum's funeral, pinched him till he drew blood on a bus in Italy in front of my sister because she couldn't get her way or something) and since then really our relationship has been the occasional text and I see him about twice a year.

 

He's done a few things very recently that have been mildly fucked up. (I should say at this point that Claire thinks most of my family are a joke, like....with their lack of fuck giving and selfish natures etc) so he made me cry a few months ago which was pretty disappointing, we were talking on the phone and he said my YouTube shenanigans are "Pie in the sky" stuff. Now - I'm sure a lot of people probably agree, but you kind of expect to get support from your parents at least, so I had to hang up on him then, I was too upset.

 

And another thing he said was just fucking crazy and made me think "Ah yeah, so actually...fuck you to be honest". He trusts me so little/thinks I'm some kind of out-of-control mentalist that....well...he is giving us some money towards our wedding, and he said "I think I'll pay it to Claire's bank account instead of to yours or a joint one, don't want you spending it on LEGO". I didn't even react, it was just a serious change in my mind that made me go "Okay, you're done".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×