So my wife had an implant without telling me...

[Murr]

I know the thread title reads straight out of something from Total Divas but it gets to the point.

 

As you may or may not know I got married last April. We had no intentions to start a family last year or this year. But one thing we always discussed is when I turn 30, that's when we'd go for starting a family.

 

Well I turned 29 last weekend, so yeah still plenty of time before we go the next stage in our saga.

 

Tonight I knew my wife was going out straight from work visiting a friend she hadn't seen in a while. I went out with some friends for drinks and admittedly drank a lot and am drunk (Probably hence this thread)

 

So, when home I got to bed and notice my wife has a bandage over her arm. I immidietly ask what's wrong and if she's okay. She responds "don't get mad, but when I enquired about the next batch of the pill, I also asked about an implant and they could do one this evening so I went for it".

 

Well, I'm not mad, but just a bit stumped by it as I've read these things can last up to 3 years. And I guess I had it in my head we'd be trying for little Murrs next year, but it seems that the significant other maybe didn't see it that way. I'm

Not sure if the implant can be removed earlier, or if this is is 3 year lock in? Unfortunately with me being a little intoxicated and my wife tired she went to bed while I just went downstairs and watched tv and pondered her decision. We didn't talk much at all from then and she's now asleep while I'm typing this.

 

Am I over reacting to feeling a little bit "oh... Okay" when I guess I'd assumed we were both onboard for starting a family next year. Am I over reacting in that the implant can be removed earlier than 3 years(I genuinely don't know if it can or not)? Am I right in thinking that sort of decision was worth mentioning to me? Or am I just being a drunken overthinking pleb?

[Goafer]

Ultimately, it's her body and she can do what she wants with it, but discussing it with you first seems the nice thing to do, since you have a stake in the outcome.

 

That said, it seems that she doesn't want kids yet, and unless both potential parents want a kid, then one shouldn't be conceived.

 

I guess it depends on how much it bothers you that she didn't discuss it with you first. For me, it wouldn't be an issue, but if you really want kids soon and she knows it, I think you'd be forgiven for being a bit miffed.

[Murr]

When I'm 30 she will be 27, so perhaps that's on her mind that she isn't ready for that stage next. I appreciate its her body of course and have no objections at all to what she does in that respect.

 

It's more so that I believed that we had discussed that next year once I hit 30, we were both in for it, but I guess not. I would have liked to discuss that form of contraception first ideally. I wouldn't have objected but would like to have known that she had that idea on her mind.

[Iun]

When I'm 30 she will be 27, so perhaps that's on her mind that she isn't ready for that stage next. I appreciate its her body of course and have no objections at all to what she does in that respect.

 

It's more so that I believed that we had discussed that next year once I hit 30, we were both in for it, but I guess not. I would have liked to discuss that form of contraception first ideally. I wouldn't have objected but would like to have known that she had that idea on her mind.

 

Well, this is all a bit complicated... Looking at it one way: yay, condomless sex! Another way: hey, it's her body. An additional perspective: she should have spoken to or discussed it with you first.

 

If it genuinely bothers you, have a frank and open conversation about it, but it will probably lead to an argument which is fine so long as you express yourselves politely.

[Blade]

She can go to the doctors at any time and have it taken out. Nothing to worry about. Probably easier than messing with the pill every day to be honest.

[Zechs Merquise]

I think she has a total lack of respect for you. She isn't just girl friend who you have been dating for a few months, she is your wife. When you're married you should consult your partner over big decisions. How about you go out and blow a few grand on a new mountain bike or a massive collection of games you always wanted. I guarantee you would be a monster for doing so without consulting your wife, even if it was your money. But when a women does something like this it is all about her body and her rights and all that garbage. Well, when you are married you become a partnership and decisions aren't just about what you want as an individual, but about what you and your partner want.

 

The fact she didn't even bother to consult you shows a total lack of respect for you. You need to challenge this or over time she will just run rough shod all over you and you will just end up with zero authority in the relationship.

[MoogleViper]

Have you asked her why she had it done? If her answer is along the lines of "So I don't have to keep taking the pill and can just get it taken out next year" then I don't think it's an issue.

 

However the fact that she said, "don't get mad" implies that she knew what she was doing would upset you, but did it anyway without consulting you. In that case I think you have every right to be upset/angry. You'd clearly discussed this at length, and made plans, then without consulting you she goes and changes those plans. If she was having doubts about having kids next year then she should have spoken to you, not gone behind your back and removed the option.

 

But yeah you need to ask her why she did it, as that's critical.

[Ramar]

I'd be a bit annoyed if my other half didn't consult me before making a big decision like that. Especially considering you're married and had discussed family plans.

 

I guess the best cause of action for this is a good discussion when you're both not drunk or tired.

[Eenuh]

I think all of you guys are overreacting... How on earth is an implant a big decision? It is the same as taking the pill, or using a condom. Nothing big about it. The only difference is that she now doesn't have to worry about taking a pill every day at the same time. It takes away a lot of stress. Plus the NHS likes to push the implant on people because it is cheaper than the pill (but only if you want it of course, because there are side effects too).

 

There is nothing wrong with her going for this, it can be taken out at any time she wants, so it doesn't affect her ability to have kids whenever you are both ready for it. I don't think it is something that she should have discussed beforehand because it is really not as big a thing as you all make it out to be. Now if she had gone and had her ovaries/uterus removed, that would have been a different matter... But you guys are all acting like that is exactly what she did. :/

 

Saying that she doesn't respect Murr because she did this is ridiculous. I contemplated the implant instead of the pill, and didn't consult with Fierce_LiNk about this. Why should I? He shouldn't have to care about how I stay childless for now, as long as it works and can be reversed. That is probably her way of thinking too.

 

Don't make a tiny molehill into a giant mountain.

[Grazza]

Zechs nails it once again.

 

Honestly Murr, you've committed to each other so you both should be completely truthful about when/if you want kids. In theory, she might never want them. Nothing wrong with that in itself, but there should be honesty about it.

 

And I'm sorry to say, but both sexes do genuinely deteriorate after 30 or so, so it's not like it can stay up in the air forever.

[Happenstance]

I think a conversation should be had simply because it has obviously brought some stuff up and maybe you guys arent on the same page about when you might be wanting kids but thats it. I dont think it shows a lack of respect and it certainly isnt the same as spending money on something else.

[MoogleViper]

It is the same as taking the pill, or using a condom. Nothing big about it. The only difference is that she now doesn't have to worry about taking a pill every day at the same time.

 

Not really, because the implant is a long-term contraceptive, whereas the pill or a condom can be stopped at any time. So having a long-term contraceptive when they'd already discussed plans of children next year is an issue.

 

As I said, if her plan was to remove it next year then it's not an issue, but the fact that she knew he'd get mad suggests that she was doing something that she/Murr would consider wrong.

[Ashley]

I don't know much about medicine or science at all but the NHS does state it can be removed at any time and normal reproductive jazz will start fairly quickly: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception-guide/pages/contraceptive-implant.aspx

[Eenuh]

Not really, because the implant is a long-term contraceptive, whereas the pill or a condom can be stopped at any time. So having a long-term contraceptive when they'd already discussed plans of children next year is an issue.

 

As I said, if her plan was to remove it next year then it's not an issue, but the fact that she knew he'd get mad suggests that she was doing something that she/Murr would consider wrong.

 

It might be long-term, but it takes away a lot of the hassle of the pill. Taking the pill can be stressful, because it is not 100% safe and has a lot of side effects. If you forget the pill once, or you become ill (throwing up/diarrhea), then you run a risk of becoming pregnant. You don't have to worry about anything when you take the implant. It is just less worry than having to remember to take the pill. Especially if they like going out and getting drunk, then it might be easy to forget the pill or become ill. It just makes sense to switch to an implant then.

 

The implant can be stopped at any time too. All she has to do is walk into the GP and the nurse can take it out. Maybe for her having to deal with the stress of the pill and the side effects is too annoying. The implant is hassle-free.

 

 

We shouldn't be judging her for her decision to get an implant, because we don't know the reasoning behind it. Maybe it really is just to get rid of the hassle for now and she will get rid of it again when they decide to have kids.

 

It is up to Murr and her to have a talk about where they see their future and when they think they might have kids. No point jumping to conclusions about her reasoning for getting it.

[Cube]

It's also worth pointing out that some people can "panic" at the prospect of having kids, even if they may actually want them.

[Murr]

Well we had a chat and as been mentioned on here, yes the implant can be removed relatively hassle free. It turns out that as of late the pill has been causing my wife to have stomach aches and just genuinely not feeling fully fit. Again to show how naive I am about all this apparently the pill can have numerous different effects on different woman and they can change throughout the duration of taking the pill. Aslong as I've been with her she's been on the pill and fine. But the last few months worth have had her feeling less energetic and not 100%.

 

She had been looking at it as her pill routine was finishing and weighed up the pros about ease and hoped it'd stop any pains.

 

That's why she went with it. No intent on preventing a family in the future, just a change of contraception in the hope that stomach pains go.

 

So perhaps an overreaction on my part when I was told while drunk, but I guess I'd liked to have known if she was hurting and that's what made her choose. She did say that it's not a 3 year fix, but just a new and less painful way hopefully.

 

Unfortunately I wasn't in the greatest of states to discuss it all with her last night and she went to bed while I watched tv downstairs without the real reasoning behind it coming out till today. Again probably my fault as overreacting to it while drunk.

[Kav]

I think the thing that made it seem bigger than it was is that she didn't tell you and opened the announcement with "Don't be mad"... if she'd just spoken to you it probably all would've been fine.

 

It's good you had a talk with her and are both on the same page still. I don't think it's an overreaction on your part, just a mishandling of the way she told you.

[nightwolf]

Seeing the men vs women divide here - interesting.

 

Its good you talked it out, as is always the case.

 

I don't genuinely believe that she needs to have your backing to do anything, wife or not. Though it is a good idea for a healthy relationship to involve you in said processes. So perhaps the delivery was a bit wrong like you say. (Especially when it comes to kid stuff!)

 

Either way, I'd advise you to read up on the various different types, not just the pill or the implant, but the side effects, the good things about all different types so that if things don't pan out with the implant (its different for everyone) you'll have a much better opinion. Plus it can't hurt to be informed - right?

 

(This goes for all of you! <3 Not just @Murr)

[MindFreak]

I thought it was a breast implant at first.

[drahkon]

I thought it was a breast implant at first.

 

Yeah, me too.

 

Was hoping thinking there'd be pics.

 

Again to show how naive I am about all this apparently the pill can have numerous different effects on different woman and they can change throughout the duration of taking the pill.

 

Oh, you won't believe the shit that some women have to go through while on the pill.

 

Have encountered everything from serious stomach pain, headaches, being incredibly tired, being incredibly moody, being incredibly annoying :p

 

My current girlfriend suffered from neck pain and headaches with her first pill. She switched and had horrible stomach aches and now she switched again...let's see how that goes.

Edited September 6, 2015 by drahkon

[Charlie]

I really don't think there's an issue here.

 

1) The implant can be removed very easily, all it takes is making an appointment. Sure, if you did decide you wanted to have kids now that couldn't happen, but it would just be a few days.

 

2) It's far easier than remembering to take a pill everyday and the side-effects are generally not as bad either. The pill can also be 'knocked out' if you're sick.

 

3) It's cheaper - tax payers rejoice!

[Ashley]

3) It's cheaper - tax payers rejoice!

 

Now now. I'm happy to pay taxes when it comes to the NHS

[Goafer]

I don't genuinely believe that she needs to have your backing to do anything, wife or not.

 

I can see it from both sides to be honest. It's not really an issue in this case, as it's non permanent and easy to reverse.

 

If it was permanent, I'd say Murr would have more reason to be annoyed, as it's both people's chances at parenthood that are being scuppered. IMO, both parties should discuss it first in that scenario, regardless of which person is thinking of the procedure.

[Nolan]

I thought it was a breast implant at first.

I had half a mind to make a joke about the left boob being bigger.

Seeing the men vs women divide here - interesting.

As a man, vaginas all the way.

 

Wait, that's not what you meant?

I can see it from both sides to be honest. It's not really an issue in this case, as it's non permanent and easy to reverse.

 

If it was permanent, I'd say Murr would have more reason to be annoyed, as it's both people's chances at parenthood that are being scuppered. IMO, both parties should discuss it first in that scenario, regardless of which person is thinking of the procedure.

 

To finally be serious. I agree with Goafer, couples should have discussions about things affecting their future. Of course, the implant being nearly as simple to stop (just need to go and get it removed as opposed to not taking it) as the pill I don't see the big deal in this case. Him being drunk and perhaps her choice of words combined and made this into something larger than it ever was.

 

That said, an amusing anecdote about here in the States. A married man can not get a vasectomy without his wife being present for the consult and signing a piece of paper to allow it. A married woman can at any time go and have her tubes tied without ever even mentioning it to her husband much less him being present.

[Daft]

Communication is so super important. And it's not about agreeing on things or reaching compromises – being autonomous and communicating are not mutually exclusive – it's about being part of someone's life.

 

Ideally, both Murr and his Part-Murr (I'm hilarious) would have had both looked into contraceptive options together previously. Then this would have been avoided. I think it's a bit unfair to trust her to deal with the choice of contraception – to the point of not knowing the pill can have side effects – and then have an issue when she changes it.

 

But what's important is that you've talked about it now, so it's a win. Communication yay.