Living with inlaws!

[flameboy]

Whose done it and how the hell do you cope? I'm just over 1 year into a 2 year wait to move out and I've hit breaking point.

[Magnus]

Aww, you seemed so excited to be going on a trip with them.

 

This thread didn't deliver.

[Guy]

Just remember they're people with lives too and the situation is probably difficult for them too. Try to find a way to make it work as well as it can, discuss issues rather than argue about them and always remember that your current situation won't last forever.

[flameboy]

Just remember they're people with lives too and the situation is probably difficult for them too. Try to find a way to make it work as well as it can, discuss issues rather than argue about them and always remember that your current situation won't last forever.

 

You see...that's not really a solution. It ruffles too many feathers to hear things that people do not want to hear (basically anything that is their own way)

 

For example I find that I get asked to do like household tasks way more than my girlfriend or her brother. 8 times last week I walked into the house and her mum was literally there waiting to ask to do this and that. The last time I dared to say no a few months to something it caused hell. I had legit reasons for saying no I was dressed in a suit ready to leave for a tutoring assignment for a first meeting and she asked me to move the garbage, bare in mind this was 3.45pm the garbage does not get collected until 10am the next morning. I said I'll be back at 7.00 and do it later. That caused an entire argument where I was accused of doing nothing and always saying no when asked to do something. My girlfriend ended up coming to me and said I can't say no as I haven't done anything her mum for a while....until I pointed out I spent an entire Sunday (we are probably talking about 4/5 hours) driving her mum around the whole city doing errands, whilst she was out with her friends.

 

This is just her Mum, her Dad has other issues in that he just talks over everyone and is always right no matter and my girlfriend and family have just accepted it, as a 29 year old man who has lived independently for 2/3 years its an awful situation to be in. I'm in the awkward position that I'm living in his house and his way has to go.

 

I feel completely stuck. For example Becky's Dad does grocery shopping for the entire house as he says he doesn't want us buying food on a weekly basis to save up for moving out. Great fantastic lovely offer thank you so much I'm grateful. However her parents are Guaynese immigrants so have their own ethnic foods which I often enjoy (curry and roti mmmmmm) but not everyday. I've literally been told off and made to feel like a kid for bringing my own food into the house, which means if I either don't fancy eating something or don't like something I have to go out and eat and stay out.

 

Hell I'm ranting like a mad man!

[Iun]

You see...that's not really a solution. It ruffles too many feathers to hear things that people do not want to hear (basically anything that is their own way)

 

For example I find that I get asked to do like household tasks way more than my girlfriend or her brother. 8 times last week I walked into the house and her mum was literally there waiting to ask to do this and that. The last time I dared to say no a few months to something it caused hell. I had legit reasons for saying no I was dressed in a suit ready to leave for a tutoring assignment for a first meeting and she asked me to move the garbage, bare in mind this was 3.45pm the garbage does not get collected until 10am the next morning. I said I'll be back at 7.00 and do it later. That caused an entire argument where I was accused of doing nothing and always saying no when asked to do something. My girlfriend ended up coming to me and said I can't say no as I haven't done anything her mum for a while....until I pointed out I spent an entire Sunday (we are probably talking about 4/5 hours) driving her mum around the whole city doing errands, whilst she was out with her friends.

 

This is just her Mum, her Dad has other issues in that he just talks over everyone and is always right no matter and my girlfriend and family have just accepted it, as a 29 year old man who has lived independently for 2/3 years its an awful situation to be in. I'm in the awkward position that I'm living in his house and his way has to go.

 

I feel completely stuck. For example Becky's Dad does grocery shopping for the entire house as he says he doesn't want us buying food on a weekly basis to save up for moving out. Great fantastic lovely offer thank you so much I'm grateful. However her parents are Guaynese immigrants so have their own ethnic foods which I often enjoy (curry and roti mmmmmm) but not everyday. I've literally been told off and made to feel like a kid for bringing my own food into the house, which means if I either don't fancy eating something or don't like something I have to go out and eat and stay out.

 

Hell I'm ranting like a mad man!

 

 

Actually, everything you are saying is perfectly reasonable. At least, according to your rules. According to their rules, you're in the wrong. And, sadly, in their house, the rules are the rules that they set out.

 

With her father, you are never going to win, so don't try. He is accustomed to being the one who is in charge and to have another man arguing with him is only going to turn him against you. The mum is the one you really need on your side: ultimately she's the one who can sway the father.

 

However, it does seem like she's taking the piss. Anyone who says "You don't do anything for me" after a day of ferrying her around clearly doesn't appreciate what you do for her. Normally it would be best to just say "Well, here's a list of things I've done for you lately" but then she'd respond "OH! How undutiful a son in law you are! You keep a record of all these things, you think it's a chore to help me!"

 

Basically you don't win.

 

Question: do you pay rent?

[Nolan]

Meditation, or Masturbation.

 

Killing spree? No wait, the girlfriend won't like that.

 

Jokes aside, (well the first two can help) You kinda have to bite your tongue and bide your time. And work through your girlfriend. She's the one who sounds most likely to actually listen and understand, and she'll have an easier time talking to her parents about the issues.

 

Pick your battles though, you're not going to change nearly everything and you don't want to turn your girlfriend against you as well.

 

 

Then again you could possible have to just at some point tell the dad straight up I am an adult who has lived independently and am capable of making decisions. I appreciate everything you're doing for me, but I need a Jaffacake dammit!.....Or you know, some other foodstuff. I give that a 90% chance (out of my ass, like a real analyst!) of not going well.

[Oxigen_Waste]

Getting along with your wife's family is optional, you know? You can just be honest and be neutral around them... doing things for them in order to win them over is bribery, just be yourself. Honesty is always the answer, not forcing things.

 

edit - That isn't to say you shouldn't help around the house! If you're living in their house, you should obviously help out with chores.

Edited September 10, 2013 by Oxigen_Waste

[flameboy]

Actually, everything you are saying is perfectly reasonable. At least, according to your rules. According to their rules, you're in the wrong. And, sadly, in their house, the rules are the rules that they set out.

 

With her father, you are never going to win, so don't try. He is accustomed to being the one who is in charge and to have another man arguing with him is only going to turn him against you. The mum is the one you really need on your side: ultimately she's the one who can sway the father.

 

However, it does seem like she's taking the piss. Anyone who says "You don't do anything for me" after a day of ferrying her around clearly doesn't appreciate what you do for her. Normally it would be best to just say "Well, here's a list of things I've done for you lately" but then she'd respond "OH! How undutiful a son in law you are! You keep a record of all these things, you think it's a chore to help me!"

 

Basically you don't win.

 

Question: do you pay rent?

 

I contribute to paying bills rather than rent, it's not in their culture to accept rent from family but I wasn't entirely comfortable with that.

 

Getting along with your wife's family is optional, you know? You can just be honest and be neutral around them... doing things for them in order to win them over is bribery, just be yourself. Honesty is always the answer, not forcing things.

 

edit - That isn't to say you shouldn't help around the house! If you're living in their house, you should obviously help out with chores.

 

I don't help out as a form of bribery. It's more because I'm made to feel guilty if I don't help out. For example yesterday she was going out to check the mail and was like "I suppose I'll check the mail...not feeling too good today, it's all too much" (again this was a day where I had driven her to the mall and walked around for 2 hours helping do stuff) I really do try to stay neutral and out of everyone's way if I can.

 

Just for the record and I know it's kind of sad that it came to this but I kept count this week....

 

Out of the 25 conversations her Mum started with this week:

 

2 were asking how I was

3 were to tell me what she watched on Netflix

20 were to ask me to do tasks.

 

Some of the tasks outright don't make sense to me why. The recycling bin is the garage she collected recycling and put it next the internal garage door and then called me to ask me to put it in the garage, she used more energy coming up the stairs to ask me than it would to open the door and put it in the bin which is right there on the other side of the door.

 

I just feel in some ways there is no relationship there no matter how hard I try as the need to do menial tasks will always over rule.

 

Her Dad is just as bad if I'm honest...He said he needed my help on Saturday morning to cut down some trees and I was planning on going to watch footie at the pub and I thought right I'm gonna stick up for myself and say I can't what about Sunday. I could tell he was put out and now I'm made to feel guilty for not going. I didn't go the last time I planned because he wanted to have a family breakfast.

 

I think the guilt think is an issue in this household in general and why my girlfriend's brother is 33 and hasn't left home yet. He has finally had enough and is moving out in February and is kind of dreading it as I know that means even more work for me.

[WackerJr]

It's a tricky one. I did it a couple of years ago so we could save money, but we only ended up staying for just over 3 months as we went and found a place. Her parents were much more accommodating than yours though it sounds!

 

I'd suggest simple wins such as offering / doing tasks before you're asked, even if they're as simple as making drinks. A lot of what they're asking sounds pretty unreasonable and you shouldn't feel guilty if you've already made plans to do things. They could ask you first when you're available, so not your fault. It's hard because it is their house, and so their rules. You're a guest and so you will need to respect their habits. However, they shouldn't be taking the biscuit - confide with your other half and sometimes you will need to say no, or explain why you can't do something.

 

It'll all be worth it when you finally move out!

[Emma]

I agree with a lot of people in this thread about it being their house, their rules. Mainly because they've done a lot for you already.

 

You've got to think about it from their situation. They've been very generous and accepting by letting you live with them for a year and a half, and it must be a strain on them having extra grown up people live in the house with them.

 

Think about the long term, which is what you plan on being with this girl. Putting in a little bit more effort and chores in the short term will pay off in the long term. Also, maybe they ask you to do more, because you're more available, or in their culture that's just what they expect you to do.

[Iun]

 

You've got to think about it from their situation. They've been very generous and accepting by letting you live with them for a year and a half, and it must be a strain on them having extra grown up people live in the house with them.

 

Also: you're porking their daughter.

[Dannyboy-the-Dane]

You've got to think about it from their situation. They've been very generous and accepting by letting you live with them for a year and a half, and it must be a strain on them having extra grown up people live in the house with them.

 

While this is true, I really don't think it justifies their treatment of him. Of course, we only have one perspective on it, but flameboy strikes me as a decent chap who doesn't mind doing his part in the household; the way he describes it, it sounds like they're treating him pretty unfairly.

 

Not that it matters, though; it's their house, and so they're the ones calling the shots. You could try taking it up with them, but judging from the brother situation, it appears to be the way things work in that house.

[Murr]

I had to stay at the inlaws for a month last year between moving houses. It was during Euro 2012, and fortunately the bedroom we were staying in had a TV, and her parents know I'm a football fan, so weren't totally shocked that I watched football most evenings.

 

I made the effort though to be social some evenings. With regards to helping round the house, I just did the stuff I'd do at my own house, washed dishes after use, made my own lunch for work etc. Granted her parents did our food shop, but we did give them money towards it. They'd also cook for us every night which I felt a bit bad about, they insisted. Again we offered money towards their food bill too.

 

It was alright. Tolerable. No sexy time for a month though was a bit difficult.

[Charlie]

It was alright. Tolerable. No sexy time for a month though was a bit difficult.

 

At what age or stage of life does it become acceptable at either of your parents houses when they are in?

[Murr]

At what age or stage of life does it become acceptable at either of your parents houses when they are in?

 

See when I lived at home, I had sex with girlfriends or one night stands without any worries. However when ever at a girlfriends house, it'd be a no no. I found it more relaxed at my house as apparertly did my partners at the time.

 

My parents have seen girls do the walk of shame through the living room the next day. It's something I've not really ever found odd.

 

While I hate to think it or even say it, that's like me assuming my parents didnt have any erm... Fun for the 22 years I lived under their roof.

 

Helps bedrooms are at opposite ends of the house though.

[flameboy]

While this is true, I really don't think it justifies their treatment of him. Of course, we only have one perspective on it, but flameboy strikes me as a decent chap who doesn't mind doing his part in the household; the way he describes it, it sounds like they're treating him pretty unfairly.

 

Not that it matters, though; it's their house, and so they're the ones calling the shots. You could try taking it up with them, but judging from the brother situation, it appears to be the way things work in that house.

 

Yes it is the way things have worked and will work unfortunately.

 

This situation has kind of come to a head in some ways I mentioned it to my girlfriend on Friday when her brother was getting hassled and I hadn't spoken to her and was told I was being stupid and that's not the case. Lo and behold her brother went out and at 10.30pm (I was already in bed with the lights off trying to sleep) we got a knock at the door "Becky is Adam there?" she replied yes and then she said she needed some help I said "Now? I'm trying to sleep" To which she replied "Yes now" I went out and it was literally to move clothes from one wardrobe to another because she had decided she wanted a change. As I posted a while back I tore a ligament so it was not a case of jumping out of bed it was a case of putting my brace back on and such. I did this and then went back to my girlfriend and she just said ok today that maybe happened.

 

Then on Sunday having not spoken to me since asking me to move clothes from her wardrobe I got a text message in the middle of the evening saying and this is a direct quote from the text message "I've parked behind Becky's Dad the cars need rearranging now. Thanks" We have 4 cars in the house people leave at different times in the morning girlfriend's Dad has one of the garage that is his but leaves first most mornings (on occasion I do) so that side of drive way has to be empty. I just said to my girlfriend its a fucking piss take there are 4 people sat in this house doing nothing how come I am the only one getting a text message. I went to look and I needed to move 3 cars to get them in the right order. I flat refused to do it on my own. Girlfriend went to ask her brother if had been asked to help and no nothing.

 

It's like this attitude of I've left this and it needs doing not by me. That whole car situation could have been easier if she had called from car and could have moved around that. Also a lot comes down to way it's said if the text message had said "Cars jumbled up can guys rearranged them ready for the morning please?" I would have been like alright let's go it's the fact I feel like I'm being singled out as someone to carry out tasks.

 

The other day she had emptied out the fridge of stuff to make a salad with and then just came past and said "Oh a salad need makes making before Becky's Dad gets home I don't know who the hell is going to do it." I looked at the clock and he was literally home any minute and no one else was home....like why didn't you ask me in a normal way and give me more time/warning. It leads to unnecessary resentment/stress.

So now I kind of have my girlfriend on side and aware that it's happening I guess that kind of helps.

Edited September 18, 2013 by flameboy

[Iun]

Yeah, I definitely see it now.

[flameboy]

Well me and my girlfriend aren't talking right now...kind of related to strain of living here. She says I'm being too negative and it's not fair. I've said yes I am feeling down about living here and I need help to overcome her first course of action seems to be to get angry at me and fight me for the way I feel which is pretty fucking helpless right now.

[Iun]

Well me and my girlfriend aren't talking right now...kind of related to strain of living here. She says I'm being too negative and it's not fair. I've said yes I am feeling down about living here and I need help to overcome her first course of action seems to be to get angry at me and fight me for the way I feel which is pretty fucking helpless right now.

 

I hear you. But I've said this before: you don't win in this situation. Their house, their rules: her her family, her loyalty.

 

Her parents do sound unreasonable.