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LegoMan1031

How can you help someone with depression?

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Does anyone on here suffer from depression or know someone close who does?

 

My younger sister (21) has suffered with it for years with varying levels of how bad.

 

She is away at uni but rang me almost an hour ago as I was coming home from work telling me her best friend (who she has known for years) has died.

 

She is obviously heart broken but it has got me worried about her (more so than normal). I am looking to see how it is best to help someone with depression who always see the negative with everything?

 

I have always tried to support her and keep her spirits up but I just feel kinda helpless.

 

If you suffer from depression but don't want to reveal it you can PM if you would prefer, I would be really grateful.

 

Thanks.

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Not got much experience with depression so can't help you there, but would it not be a good idea for you to go visit her? She could probably do with a shoulder to cry on/someone to comfort her etc.

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You can't cure someone with depression. They have to do it themselves. You can only help them. And if they don't want to be helped, then there's not much you can do other than lend your full support. Therapy fails when the person doesn't understand why they're there, doesn't accept that they need to fix it. Of course you would do anything to help them if you could, but it's up to them to accept it and take action. You can only offer help, you can't make sure that it follows through.

 

What I'm trying to say is, it's not unusual to feel helpless. It's hard on the loved ones of a depressed person. Don't blame yourself, as long as you openly offer her support, you're doing a lot for her :)

 

I'm no professional, but this is what I've gathered from life experience.

Edited by EddieColeslaw

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Oh shit, I was about to come busting in saying you should be blunt with them (which actually works, surprisingly), didn't think this would have been the circumstance..

 

I feel terrible for your sister dude. I suffered the same thing but in reverse, one of my best friends died when I was 17 and just under 2 years later all my lack of emotions bit me on the ass and I ended up staying in my bedroom at halls for days on end without eating.

 

The only thing I can recommend is you get her home if she is willing to. Ring her tomorrow to check in on how she's coping and if it's really bad, suggest to her that she sees a doctor to get some prescription anti-depressants so that if she wants to come home, she can ask for a medical note so she can apply for an extension on any upcoming hand in dates or apply for a deferral.

 

It's kinda hard suggesting what to do when you're not talking to the person in question and it's kind of a delicate situation. But usually it's best to get some one who's feeling that awful back home and with the group of friends affected as well.

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I know nothing about depression and so can't help you, but Eddie's advice sounds like the advice I've heard before from people with knowledge and experience on the matter.

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You can't cure someone with depression. They have to do it themselves. You can only help them. And if they don't want to be helped, then there's not much you can do other than lend your full support. Therapy fails when the person doesn't understand why they're there, doesn't accept that they need to fix it.

 

 

With you all the way up to the part about therapy. I've never found therapy to help with releasing the pain or solving the problem. But then again, Bipolar Disorder is different to regular depression.

 

For regular depression, yeah, just be there. It's hard on you as someone who loves them to watch them in so much pain, but most of the time, they really don't know what is bothering them, why they are feeling this way or how to solve it.

 

If they suggest an activity that might be considered "outside" of depression -e.g. they never want to leave the house when they are depressed but suddenly suggest breakfast at a greasy spoon, then accept it. Don't ever say something like "What? You want to go OUT?" as if you think either (a) they are mad for suggesting it or (b) you think that suddenly everything is alright.

 

Most depression cures with time, and it takes a while to readjust yourself back to normalcy. Again, this waiting for you as her brother is tough, and I'm sure you want to help ASAP, but just wait. Make sure she knows you're available for what she needs. As men we are handicapped in a way: when we see a problem, our brains immediately say "Problem? MUST SOLVE!" and it's frustrating when the answer is neither obvious or if we feel it's being kept from us.

 

I recently had a bad up/down cycle: about a week ago I was in absolutel despair, like an ugly lump of putty on the sofa, just completely unable to stir myself into any kind of action. All Mrs Iun could come up with was "BE HAPPY!" at different degrees of volume. Then on monday, the mania set in. It took every single iota of willpower I had not to put my underpants on my head and try and run the whole length of my district in Shanghai in less than 5 minutes. I was absolutely desperate to see how fast I could go, or maybe paint a damn HUUUGE picture...

 

 

...anyway, I was doing my best to push these urges down and keep them from bubbling over. As it was, I ended up talking like a Salarian from Mass Effect. The best Mrs Iun could come up with was "Snap out of it, I'm happy and you're making ME unhappy!"

 

Needless to say, that doesn't help. Yes, it's tough on family members, but don't make it worse.

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I was very depressed for a period, and I remember actively thinking: "oh Christ please don't try to "cheer me up", you're being so patronising" at certain points when people'd come visit me. It was really irrational.

 

The most significant action (that I can remember / put a finger on) which helped me was lying on my friend James' bed, actively being like "Oh god I hate life right now". We had a two hour long conversation about things. He kind of assumed a Laura Roslin-esque persona. Assigned himself the Inspiring Command feat card. He said to me: "But you won't fail your degree" / "But so what if you don't get a job? Life goes on, and you'll still be an interesting person." / "So write music. Lauryn Hill wrote one of the best albums ever and bitch only knows 3 chords" (my favourite thing anyone's ever said to me).

It was so inspiring. I had such faith in what he was saying. It felt so devoid of condescension etcetera. Made me go out afterwards at 4 in the morning and lie in a field and look at the night sky (It was such a film moment).

 

But yeah, I realise that's a really non-transferable story. Deal with it, I'm in a self-indulgent mood right now.

Edited by chairdriver

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Agree with whats being said. Furthermore if self harm or suicide is something you're worried about make yourself 24/7 contactable (work numbers, home phone, mobile always charged) and let them know you can be reached at any time. It seems the general idea is to be reachable and present at the right times and places, rather than actively doing very much unless required. At least that's what I've gathered.

Also anti depressants I have heard are excellent!

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Thanks for everyone that has replied, it is very much appreciated.

 

but would it not be a good idea for you to go visit her? She could probably do with a shoulder to cry on/someone to comfort her etc.

 

I have considered it, but at the moment she already has friends round her which are comforting her so I don't want to get in the way of that.

 

I'm letting her decide what she wants to do, as she may be coming away for a bit because of this - but even that I am not sure if that is a good idea because I think she has more friends in Birmingham than she does up here currently and I can't always be at home with work etc.

 

If anything changes or she comes up here then then I will be there. :)

 

You can't cure someone with depression. They have to do it themselves. You can only help them. And if they don't want to be helped, then there's not much you can do other than lend your full support. Therapy fails when the person doesn't understand why they're there, doesn't accept that they need to fix it. Of course you would do anything to help them if you could, but it's up to them to accept it and take action. You can only offer help, you can't make sure that it follows through.

 

What I'm trying to say is, it's not unusual to feel helpless. It's hard on the loved ones of a depressed person. Don't blame yourself, as long as you openly offer her support, you're doing a lot for her :)

 

I'm no professional, but this is what I've gathered from life experience.

 

Thanks Eddie, she accepts that she has depression as she is very quick to throw it at someone when something isn't going her way but doesn't want to do anything to help herself.

 

This is her first year at uni but like last year she lost her job and just spent months every day sat in the living room watching TV and 'wallowing' I would try and spend her time with her but she would just be a bitch to me and wanted me to go away.

 

She has been offered medication but has refused, mum has been trying to get her to see a councilor but she doesn't see the point in it.

 

Oh shit, I was about to come busting in saying you should be blunt with them (which actually works, surprisingly), didn't think this would have been the circumstance..

 

I feel terrible for your sister dude. I suffered the same thing but in reverse, one of my best friends died when I was 17 and just under 2 years later all my lack of emotions bit me on the ass and I ended up staying in my bedroom at halls for days on end without eating.

 

The only thing I can recommend is you get her home if she is willing to. Ring her tomorrow to check in on how she's coping and if it's really bad, suggest to her that she sees a doctor to get some prescription anti-depressants so that if she wants to come home, she can ask for a medical note so she can apply for an extension on any upcoming hand in dates or apply for a deferral.

 

It's kinda hard suggesting what to do when you're not talking to the person in question and it's kind of a delicate situation. But usually it's best to get some one who's feeling that awful back home and with the group of friends affected as well.

 

It was something I was going to speak to mum about and speak to her about it direct rather than just being nice to her but then this goes and happens which obviously now I wont be.

 

It started to come to a head because she claims to have self harmed on Saturday. She has a lot of heath problems ongoing with tests at hospitals etc, struggling at uni and on top of how she normally feels which has made her feel more down than normal.

 

She has done little things like this in the past but tells my mum about it straight afterwords which makes me suspect part of it is just attention seeking but I can't feel comfortable by just assuming that is the case.

 

I text her before but I will probably ring her in a bit, hopefully she is asleep getting some rest.

 

I am tempted to recommend her to come home but she has got friends with her at the moment comforting her and I don't know how many friends she has up here affected and obviously I want her to be with people that are going to make her feel better.

 

She was only up here last week for a day and we were playing gears 3 horde together etc!

 

Agree with whats being said. Furthermore if self harm or suicide is something you're worried about make yourself 24/7 contactable (work numbers, home phone, mobile always charged) and let them know you can be reached at any time. It seems the general idea is to be reachable and present at the right times and places, rather than actively doing very much unless required. At least that's what I've gathered.

Also anti depressants I have heard are excellent!

 

Yeah, that is a good idea and I have always tried to be like that.

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Spending more of your time in the physical presence of people is probably the best treatment for depression. It prevents you from becoming into perpetual vicious cycles of negativity about yourself because the presence of others makes you realise how overboard you can get with your insecurities.

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I'm bipolar. The one with massives highs and lows. I'm either super cheerful or the opposite. It was fairly bad until I started talking to people( well forced to really). Make sure it's someone who loves you and will try to help you if you feel like talking to someone. Last thing anyone wants is to be treated differently...It's hard to explain and I'm not the most grammer savvy person on the forum.

 

For advice. Get outside more and go for plenty of excercise and eat healthy. This is easier said than done though, because she may have a tendency feel like "what's the point?"

 

Depression is the cancer of the mind. It still isn't taken as seriously as it should in society. You'll also notice it tends to be more creative people that suffer from it. At least in my experience.

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Mate sorry to hear the news, I sent you a text message back speak soon ok? Also read, digest and take in all this advice on here. As one of those people who has had extremely sad things happen in the past I have certainly sought solace on here and found there is so much to take from this forums many wonderful people. Helps to remind you that you are not alone.

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Does anyone on here suffer from depression or know someone close who does?

 

My younger sister (21) has suffered with it for years with varying levels of how bad.

 

She is away at uni but rang me almost an hour ago as I was coming home from work telling me her best friend (who she has known for years) has died.

 

She is obviously heart broken but it has got me worried about her (more so than normal). I am looking to see how it is best to help someone with depression who always see the negative with everything?

 

I have always tried to support her and keep her spirits up but I just feel kinda helpless.

 

If you suffer from depression but don't want to reveal it you can PM if you would prefer, I would be really grateful.

 

Thanks.

 

hi im 15 and well basically i kinda suffer from depresion ive had a really really sh*t life (ive been bullied for about 6 years beaten up been called worthless and stuff) nd the things that make me happy are doing stuff i like and taking my mind of everything bad + i have someone who i can talk to bout it who i trust so just try meeting with her soon and do something she enjoys eg maybe a weekly activity like paintball or something

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eg maybe a weekly activity like paintball or something

 

This.

 

Take that bitch to laser tag. Bitches love laser tag.

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It's true, I went laser tag with some bithces once, they loved it.

 

I was going to post earlier, but realised most points have been covered. There's variation of the replies, though, and it highlights a big point. It unfortunately isn't just as simple as 'helping someone with depression' because that's actually quite vague! There isn't an easy cure-all because everybody's different, and sometimes it isn't just depression you're dealing with.

 

I do second medication, anti-depressants may help if she isn't already taking them(which I suspect she is). However, they only HELP, they won't cure it magically which I think some people have an impression of. It's like Eddie said you need to be able to pull yourself out of it, nobody can really do it for you and realising that is a big step. For all the advice we can offer you, you're her brother and you know her best. Depression or no depression, she's going to be upset right now regardless having just lost a friend. I don't know if it's the right thing, but I say don't even focus or think about her past depression, think about the fact she's a person who's going to be mourning the loss of someone. It's ok for her to do that too, she'll need time to come to terms with it; don't rush her but just be there for her, really.

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She has been offered medication but refuses it. At times it felt like she just likes being depressed as she uses it as an excuse for everything.

 

I haven't said anything but this is almost an example to her about why she shouldn't self harm and wanting to end things on herself would leave the grieve she is feeling on myself and others that care.

 

On the more in the now she is refusing to come back home, saying that it will make it 'real' and hurt more.

 

Was on the phone to her for like 20 minutes this morning and she was just crying her eyes out.

 

I know time helps to heal wounds but at the moment I feel like she is in denial, saying she doesn't know how she is going to cope without her etc - from a personal observation she always let my sister down, as in all the time but whatever, that's not for me to judge.

 

She just wants to sit and cry in her room, she is talking to me about wishing she was there in hospital with her that it might have helped, wishing she hadn't gone uni and many other scenarios. I have tried saying to her it's the quality of time spent not quantity and she did visit her in hospital last week and that she would have known she cared etc.

 

She is making out she is worst effected by this but when I mention about how her family must be feeling and I suggested she talked to my aunti who only lost a close friend last month she replied "Other people cope better at things than me".

 

It is really frustrating for me hearing her say these things but I can't like 'snap' her out of it.

 

But you are all right though, she needs to want to help herself but she doesn't and I think that is what is frustrating.

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My dad is a depressive and having effectively lived in the presence of it for 18+ years I have lost a lot of tolerance for depressed people in general, but moreso for those that claim depressiveness, or those who revel in their sorrow, craving attention.

 

I'm not the best person to talk to. I know how to live with it/am not surprised or scared by it, but you will receive unforgiving daggers from my eyes. The daggers read 'Get over it and live life', which isn't helpful, but as John mentioned above, that's the only 'answer', and after having it said x number of times, one time it'll stick I guess?

 

Who knows.

 

Sorry. I have no time for it. My dad's an arse most of the time.

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My dad is a depressive and having effectively lived in the presence of it for 18+ years I have lost a lot of tolerance for depressed people in general, but moreso for those that claim depressiveness, or those who revel in their sorrow, craving attention.

 

I'm not the best person to talk to. I know how to live with it/am not surprised or scared by it, but you will receive unforgiving daggers from my eyes. The daggers read 'Get over it and live life', which isn't helpful, but as John mentioned above, that's the only 'answer', and after having it said x number of times, one time it'll stick I guess?

 

Who knows.

 

Sorry. I have no time for it. My dad's an arse most of the time.

 

Tbh, I kinda feel the same, even though my length of time isn't as long as urs having to deal in the presence of it.

 

But then I feel bad for feeling like that. :(

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She has been offered medication but refuses it. At times it felt like she just likes being depressed as she uses it as an excuse for everything.

 

I haven't said anything but this is almost an example to her about why she shouldn't self harm and wanting to end things on herself would leave the grieve she is feeling on myself and others that care.

 

On the more in the now she is refusing to come back home, saying that it will make it 'real' and hurt more.

 

Was on the phone to her for like 20 minutes this morning and she was just crying her eyes out.

 

I know time helps to heal wounds but at the moment I feel like she is in denial, saying she doesn't know how she is going to cope without her etc - from a personal observation she always let my sister down, as in all the time but whatever, that's not for me to judge.

 

She just wants to sit and cry in her room, she is talking to me about wishing she was there in hospital with her that it might have helped, wishing she hadn't gone uni and many other scenarios. I have tried saying to her it's the quality of time spent not quantity and she did visit her in hospital last week and that she would have known she cared etc.

 

She is making out she is worst effected by this but when I mention about how her family must be feeling and I suggested she talked to my aunti who only lost a close friend last month she replied "Other people cope better at things than me".

 

It is really frustrating for me hearing her say these things but I can't like 'snap' her out of it.

 

But you are all right though, she needs to want to help herself but she doesn't and I think that is what is frustrating.

 

I had a feeling this might be the case too. I've experienced similar both professionally and personally, although when it's personal, I try to get less caught up in it these days. As a brother, I can imagine that is quite hard though, as it has a large effect on yourself and the family. On the medication front, does she give any reason why she doesn't take/want to take it?

 

Again all I can advise is to be there for her, I think naturally she will be in denial for a while. Regardless of her blaming depression/using it as an excuse in the past, she HAS still lost a friend. Whether they were good friend or not, they were still a friend. How did her friend pass away, out of interest? I think possibly talking with your aunt is a good idea, but again she has to be willing to do so.

 

Tbh, I kinda feel the same, even though my length of time isn't as long as urs having to deal in the presence of it.

 

But then I feel bad for feeling like that. :(

 

I say don't. It's part of the problem, and it's hard not to be involved. Mainly because it feels like you're a bad person for doing it, but at the end of the day, you've still got your own life to live and she needs to take some responsibility for herself too. You can't take it all for her.

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I know this sounds simplistic, but she's still very, very young, and she may well just... get over it.

 

That is what happened to me. In my early 20's i was appallingly self-indulgent and negative about everything. Nothing anyone said went in, cos i thought i knew best.

 

I still think that, but i'm not as depressed now!

 

As i got older i just realised how lazy i was being, not making any effort to change stuff that was making me depressed. I'm much more 'Terminator' about getting stuff done nowadays. It's helped a lot.

 

... still get depressed at times, but it's less of a constant now, more of an up and down. Which is dealable (made up word!).

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I had a feeling this might be the case too. I've experienced similar both professionally and personally, although when it's personal, I try to get less caught up in it these days. As a brother, I can imagine that is quite hard though, as it has a large effect on yourself and the family. On the medication front, does she give any reason why she doesn't take/want to take it?

 

Again all I can advise is to be there for her, I think naturally she will be in denial for a while. Regardless of her blaming depression/using it as an excuse in the past, she HAS still lost a friend. Whether they were good friend or not, they were still a friend. How did her friend pass away, out of interest? I think possibly talking with your aunt is a good idea, but again she has to be willing to do so.

 

 

 

I say don't. It's part of the problem, and it's hard not to be involved. Mainly because it feels like you're a bad person for doing it, but at the end of the day, you've still got your own life to live and she needs to take some responsibility for herself too. You can't take it all for her.

 

She stated that she didn't want to be dependent on medication to help solve a problem!? :hmm: Which is funny considering she take a lot of medication for current heath problems...

 

Her friend had been in hospital for a few weeks with pneumonia in both lungs, gradually got worse, heart attack and eventually died while in Intensive care. She was very overweight which would have been a bad combination as I can imagine a lot of pressure on body to perform with limited oxygen from lungs etc. She was in the best place for her but obviously her body was not able to pull through.

 

Thanks for the last comment. :) As the days have gone by I have started to feel like that more and more + see that for myself.

 

If you could see the stuff she is putting on facebook and twitter, somehow blaming herself for everything that has happens... :nono:

 

She is blatantly refusing to come back home as well which is also very annoying as I think it is the best place for her right now.

 

I know this sounds simplistic, but she's still very, very young, and she may well just... get over it.

 

I hope so!! :)

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From what I've seen, it is the sort of thing that tends to get lesser as people get older, but that isn't a guarantee nor does it mean it won't get worse. How old did you say she is at the moment? It sounds rather cynical of me, but I think she might not want to take the medication in case it actually works, and she no longer has her safety net to fall back into whenever she chooses. In my opinion, it's very possible if she did take them, they wouldn't do much due to her current attitude towards everything. It really is hard mate, and so frustrating, and I find the only way to deal with it is to just let go/not make a big fuss, as harsh as it sounds. She has to take responsibility for herself, but it's something that's very hard to make happen.

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From what I've seen, it is the sort of thing that tends to get lesser as people get older, but that isn't a guarantee nor does it mean it won't get worse. How old did you say she is at the moment? It sounds rather cynical of me, but I think she might not want to take the medication in case it actually works, and she no longer has her safety net to fall back into whenever she chooses. In my opinion, it's very possible if she did take them, they wouldn't do much due to her current attitude towards everything. It really is hard mate, and so frustrating, and I find the only way to deal with it is to just let go/not make a big fuss, as harsh as it sounds. She has to take responsibility for herself, but it's something that's very hard to make happen.

 

Sorry for delayed reply, I didn't notice there had been another post in here.

 

She is 21, turning 22 in August (I'm 24).

 

Thanks again for everyones replies they have helped out me out quite a bit as I was really stressing myself out about all this.

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I've gone through a couple of really bad phases in the past. I don't know if it's depression but it got to a point where I was just sitting in my room by myself for days on end instead of revising, completely ruining my most recent exam grades. It got so bad it led to me and my girlfriend breaking up (this was 5 weeks ago) because I was just no fun to talk to at all (she's South America atm). I had no confidence in anyone or myself at all, it was such a strange time looking back at it. I'm completely fine now but do wonder how I got into such a state of mind. It hurts more knowing it's ruined something between me and someone I love but I guess that's the way things can be.

 

As for advice, just be there for her. The worst thing you want when you feel that low is to be by yourself and have negative thoughts spiral through your head.

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