Esequiel

Marriage problems?

Recommended Posts

Anyone else on here married? It will be a year on the 26th June since I tied the not and 9 years in Feb since we got together. So im feeling pretty shitty at the minute despite not really having a valid reason too.

 

For the last few months iv been having crazy dreams of her sleeping with another man, nothing to suggest that this is the case no text messages out of place or anything like that except for she became very interested in getting out remnants house kitted out. I noticed she had this guy on her Facebook and asked why as it seemed off to h e a tenant able to see your personal life.

 

Well she said it was added before he moved in and that they used to be in school together and that was that.

 

Now our sex life is poor it always has been, I struggle to be confident as I'm overweight and a bit self conscious that I'm on the small side even though iv never had complaints. She lost interest after having kids and it her drive never came back.

 

Iv tried everything to spice it up, suggesting sexy underwear, movies, nights out, massages and everything that I could think of. Well a few weeks ago she actually went down on me and I couldn't finish. She couldn't understand it and it's never happened before and she seemed really annoyed. Now she is going through a phase of wanting sex but also wanting me out of the house alot.

 

Fishing trips overnight with my mates, a trip to the casino, a local aquarium club etc. Today when I said I wasn't going to go to the fish club meeting she seemed really dissapointed to the point where I said ok then il go.

 

I'm not one to snoop but I couldn't help myself, she nipped out to pick up our kid from school and I went through her drawers. I found some sexy underwear with the tags on still, the sort of thing she would never wear with me and I found a large sum of money rolled up and tucked away. I just don't know what to think my heads a mess And I feel like crying.

 

The underwear is something she would never ever wear for me in a million years so I know it's not for me and I didn't buy it. I have no idea why she has that sort of money lying aroun either as I make sure she wants for nothing.

 

Am I being played here or just over reacting? My gut keeps telling me something is fishy here but im so stressed and overwhelmed with work at the minute that it really could be nothing >.>

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

^ I don't know if I can top that super useful advice, but here goes.

 

Firstly, no matter how obvious it sounds: communication is key. I watched my parents fall apart because they just stopped talking. Remember what it was like before you had kids, when your biggest problems were all intertwined. This should be the person you can talk the most openly and easily to.

 

Are you worried that you'll accuse her of cheating, and it will all fall apart because you were wrong? Is the risk worth it, compared to carrying on with the state of paranoia you've found yourself in?

 

Or are you worried that you'll find out the truth, and it's not what you want to hear?

 

If she wanted to hide underwear, wouldn't she hide it somewhere better than in her drawers? The underwear could be a gift from a girlfriend, or maybe she bought it to try and spice things up with you, but hasn't found the courage to get it out yet (didn't you say you suggested it to her?) She could be wanting you out of the house just for alone time (with or without air-quote-marks).

 

I could be wrong, but if you find the right way to bring it up, this could all be ironed out. If you were wrong, you should be able to get past it. And if the truth sucks... well you've got to decided if ignorance is really bliss, or if it's better to find out now than being deceived.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
It will be a year on the 26th June since I tied the not

"Tied the not", indeed. :hmm:

 

I hope it works out, though. I think the standard advice in these situations is to talk to the other person. Suffering in silence won't do anyone any good.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Eeeek.

 

I think its valid to feel worried if I'm being honest (and I think you deserve the truth, I try to be honest). Finding the underwear and money and her wanting you out of the house - thats what I would feel worried about in your position too.

 

Her making it seemingly obvious that she is wanting you out of the house is a valid trigger for you to question things IMHO. So perhaps you should ask her as Shorty says. But perhaps you could do something else. Maybe one time when you go out of the house, come back early....let your phone run out of battery, or create a reason for coming back early or something.

 

Hmmm. I hope it all turns out okay dude.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, was gonna post the same thing as Rez, make an excuse to come back early. In my opinion, it's the only way to find out. Here's how you should do it - next time she suggests you get out of the house all night (make sure it's her who suggests that you go out - make absolutely no noises about going out yourself), say you are going to be out all night fishing with friends, but actually just go to a relatives house or something, then as Rez says, make sure that you have a valid reason for coming home. My advice would be to "forget" your cash card and say you decided to go for a meal with friends afterwards and needed to come home to get it.

 

If you come home and she's alone then you've no reason to worry, but at least you will know.

 

Hope it all works out dude but just remember, if she's doing something like that then she isn't worth it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah dude I think you just need to talk to her... it'll do neither of you any good in the long run keeping things from each other, you need to let her know how you're feeling or else things are just going to continue building up in your head.

 

There's some good advice in here already.

 

Life is sad, and so is love.
Why do you even bother? I hope everyone remembers to be as helpful as you next time you post something important to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Never marry a chick with a Facebook account.

Ha :heh: that happens to be about 250,000,000 women now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It does all sound suspicious, your best bet is probably as has already been said to unexpectedly arrive home. The money is curious though, and I can only think of two reasons for it, she's either saving up to leave you, or she's moonlighting as a call girl.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So you suggest she wear sexy underwear and you find some with the tags still and you think that's weird? And the tags still on? Well she clearly hasn't worn them yet! And like shorty said surely she'd be better than this if she had anything to hide.

 

Ultimately you know her, we don't. You feeling insecure and paranoid and that's the side of the story we're hearing. But even still, it doesn't sound THAT dodgy especially not the underwear thing. So she'd never wear them for you, maybe she realises this and that's why she hasn't tried yet. Maybe she's as insecure physcially as you are and feels stupid, but went to the bother of buying them anyway because she loves you and wants to make an effort.

 

Personally I wouldn't play any little games like sneaking back early or whatever, I'd just be honest and get it out. But don't accuse her, or express too much insecurity/jealousy as they have a habit of driving people away.

 

The money thing is the only weird thing out of the whole lot. Are you guys skint? I mean could you do with that money? Or could she easily draw the money out of an account?

 

Just have it out with her, be honest with how you feel about you relationship, but more importantly ask her how she feels about it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If your worried, counseling is the only thing I can suggest.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ha :heh: that happens to be about 250,000,000 women now.

 

Ive upgraded my advice to: Never marry.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To be frank it sounds like you just need to reconnect, generally.

 

Forget sex, that's not important right now; it's a natural occurrence in most healthy relationships, getting worked up about it will only work against you. Just spend some time with your wife, demystify how she feels and what she's up to when you're out. Go on a few dates — these don't have to be anywhere fancy, in fact the more casual the better. Remind each other why you married in the first place.

 

You're letting suspicion flood into the gaps in your knowledge, and until you feel comfortable with your wife it's going to keep on happening. You knew this woman once, get to know her again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cheers for the advice guys, I'm going to talk to her either when I get in or tomorrow. The money though is stupid, I'm not richbut earn more than alot of folks, got 2 houses 2 cars etc. She has access to all 3 of our bank accounts and the credit card. She literally doesn't need it but there it is hidden in her old glasses case. The underwear was hidden away under the panel in her drawer just to clarify :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Talk, talk and then have a little break and talk.

 

Seriously, you suggest sexy underwear, find some with tags on and then immediately become suspicious? Maybe she hasn't got the confidence to wear them yet. The money could be anything - you never know, she might be saving up for a special date for the both of you as has been suggested in the thread.

 

I am in a very similar situation as yourself and me and my gf had a talk last week about where things have gone wrong recently, and it has really helped refocus our relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Esequiel, I can completely see why this would be eating away at you.. but you have to be really careful with this. The paranoia will only continue to fester and this can only damage the relationship :hmm:

 

However, if you do decide to bring things up, please don't expect things to work out in your favour. Things will be twisted and manipulated to make it seem that you are in the wrong whether it is justified or, in many cases, not :sad:

 

I may be more cynical about relationships now than I was 'before', but rightly so I believe. Trust is a fundamental part of any relationship and any situation that can hurt that trust would be very difficult to recover from. If things are being kept from you and there is a suspicious level of secrecy, it is a slippery slope..

 

I don't want to be too negative as I genuinely hope that this new sexy underwear is for you and that you have a night of unspeakable pleasure but I can't help but be skeptical, unfortunately. You can do absolutely everything in your own power to make a relationship work but ultimately it will take both of you to pull together to get through whatever situation you are facing, otherwise you are just banging your head against a brick wall :nono:

 

Your wife wanting you out of the house on a regular basis is a definite cause for concern. While I can only really draw from my own experience, a friend of mine went through a break up recently and many things he spoke of about his relationship and its end struck a frightening level of similarity with what I had been through. I would suggest that if she is looking some space from you, you're in trouble..

 

Having said that, every relationship is unique and, of course, not everyone will deal with things in the same way. It is important that you find a way to open up a way of communicating with her in a meaninful way about everything.

 

"I don't wanna talk about it!" does not work in a relationship so make sure that you approach this in the right way.. whatever that is..

 

Finally, good luck Esequiel :smile: I hope things work out for you but if you need to talk about anything in greater detail away from the forum, feel free to send me a PM and I'll see if I can do anything to ease your fears..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There is hopefully an explanation for everything. Without talking to her your mind is going to instantly come up with the worst possible scenario and from then you'll just be backing it up in your mind.

 

Like other people have said, the tags were still on the underwear so she's not worn them yet for anyone. It might be that a girl friend of hers bought them for her or that she got them to surprise you with.

 

She could just be saving the money for a holiday or something? Women tend to save money (generalisations :yay:) because 'just in case'.

 

Of course, your suspicions could be right and she could be cheating but until you talk to her there's no reason to bring yourself down with it. You've already said you're going to talk to her so I won't suggest it again :p I hope it all works out for you both!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Man, my friend I really feel for you... I know how it feels to feel like you're being played - but in my case my gut feeling was right even when she would act all sincere with her words and empty reassurances. I guess it x2 when you're tenaciously loyal too.

 

I'll be honest, if you know yourself well, I would say your gut instinct is right... But only IF you have addressed te issue with her; the underwear could just be a gift for or from someone.

 

But I've never been married, so my views are fairly useless. As a husband, you deserve answers! Be bold and open with your feelings and confront her straight up! No buts or I'm busy BS. >:(

 

I just regret you being in this situation.

 

But out of curiosity do you aim to, for example, lose weight in a serious manner? Obesity is a huge factor in a diminished sex life. Think of the worst and use that as your motivation to become as fit as you can be!

 

Chin up dude.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The first thing I would do is ask why she wants me out of the house.

 

The money and underwear could mean anything.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel for you, mate, I really do. It looks like what I was about to advise has already been posted on here so I'll just cut it short (or as short as I can). I think you have every right to be like you are now but I must agree with the other guys, she may have got that sexy underwear for you. I mean, I really honestly don't mean to be funny but how do you know she may not wear them for you? She may have taken your advice and bought some but hasn't got the confidence to do it yet...or she could be waiting for your anniversary to do it and hidden them for a surprise for you. Your anniversary is on the 26th, right? She may be using them as a present for you since you suggested it.

 

I think you guys should talk it through and see what happens. If you do have that doubt that she's still lying, I suggest doing what ReZ and Dogamoto suggests and 'forget' something when you go out but make sure that she suggests you go out and not you saying you're going out. That way, if she is doing something, she'll drop her guard most likely but I honestly think those sexy underwear are for your anniversary and she hidden them as a surprise.

 

As for the money, I can't tell you what I think about that because I don't know myself. Maybe she's going out to buy something for herself or maybe she wanted money to do something. I'd be thinking more about why she wants me to go out a lot more all of a sudden but that could be because she wants time to herself, is she usually around you a lot or something? The money thing I've no clue but I think the sexy underwear are for your anniversary. But yeah, as the guys suggested on here, talk to her, communication is good! :)

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, my friend, I really do hope everything turns out okay for you.

 

Life is sad, and so is love.

 

Why bother?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unused sexy underwear and money saved up... Is it your birthday soon? Or maybe you are forgetting an anniversary or something? Maybe she is trying to spice things up but hasn't had the courage to wear them yet.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Unused sexy underwear and money saved up (...) maybe you are forgetting an anniversary or something?

 

It will be a year on the 26th June since I tied the not

 

Sounds likely.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't look much into the underwear or the money. The underwear hasn't been used yet, which is a plus, and the money...women tend to do that, save money in case everything else goes wrong. They're crazy prepared like that.

 

Your sex life...sounds normal, for a married couple. Though that is definitely out of my reach when it comes to useful advice, I'm sure there are methods and advice from experienced couples to spice things up.

 

As for her wanting you out of the house... You definitely need to talk to her about that. You need to work it out between yourselves, and remember: don't be accusative, just try to bring up the issue without starting a fight. And if she has any issues of her own (which is likely as well), the best you can do is listen to her woes and problems, and if necessary, be on the losing side on a few issues/discussions (after all, her self-esteem could be on the low side as well).

But it's something that only the two of you together can work out.

Edited by Jonnas

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@haters: I don't see the point in lying to people. You get married, of course you're going to have sad times. People aren't built to monogamously devote themselves, especially if the sex is "poor". Get over your jealousy, or be sad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites