Friendship.

[jayseven]

I was watching the BBC documentary on Queen and at some point someone said "[Queen] weren't fashionable, just popular" and it struck me how rarely I focus on the distinction. I'm notoriously ill-dressed, but I have the ability to get on with the majority of people, to the extent where it tires me to have diarise 'catch-up' sessions with friends. The majority of my social outings seem to be of this calibre, actually, which leads me to wonder - what's a friend?

 

For a long time I've held on tight to the notion that I've got these 'wavelength' buddies - people who slip through the stream of life in a similar fashion to me; regardless of our independant struggles and endurances, we meet up every month or year and immediately gel - instantly combine our jigsaw pieces, clap our hands and say 'yeah'.

 

On the one hand it's all about familiarity. I have three stalwart life companions that, when we combine, there's legends being unwritten. However I wouldn't say that I have a best friend (aside from my girlfriend!). I don't know if it's the TV show that's skewed perceptions, but I do kinda feel like I'm supposed to have a solid group that I rely on for anything from advice to stress-relief. While I spent 4 years in sheffield I think I kept myself in reserve, knowing my 'life' was bound for brighton, then I get to brighton and it's flipped; I find myself pining for the 'other crowd', for that notion of belonging.

 

Then it struck me - My friend is this forum. It's my release, my consolation, my home and my church. It's sucky and lame to say but it's true. For the last decade-ish, my days have been spent with the safe knowledge that I'll be able to check the forums at some point.

 

But what is friendship? I don't feel like I've even scratched the surface. Do you have life-long friends, or what? C'mon, go essay on this shit.

[Beast]

I think the word 'friend' is easily overused to the point it's kind of lost it's definition. I have four people in my life I can actually call friends but the rest are just acquaintances. I think the definition of friend is someone you can very easily get along with as well as someone who'd help you in your hour of need as well as someone who doesn't mind you for you and wouldn't want you to change. Someone who treats you as an equal and no other way and someone who is truthful and loyal to you as well as someone you can trust.

 

In my honest opinion, I think that if you have one friend in the world, you're a very lucky person. I thought that I had friends in school but it soon dawned on me that they weren't my friends and that they didn't really care that much about me and the ones that did keep in contact just used me. So I didn't bother with them anymore. Luckily enough, when I went to college, I met a couple of guys there who were cool and then one of them introduced me to another one of his friends and since then, we've always spoken. It's quite cool how it happened really. This is actually the first time I've actually felt like I have friends instead of mates or acquaintances. It's a really cool feeling and I would actually say they were my best friends because they're my only friends I have in real life.

 

I say real life because it's kind of weird but even though I don't know the majority of you, I feel that you're my friends as well. I come on here when I feel stressed out or depressed and it never fails to make me laugh and whenever someone is upset, I like to try and help them out. You don't judge and you accept people just the way they are and you never shy away from honesty. Just as Jayseven said, it's cool to have that safe feeling that you can always come on here and check the forums out and see what everyone's been up to.

[Daft]

Yeah, I get on with pretty much everyone (within reason), I think everyone should just be nice to each other. Because of this I've realised that some people see me as a much closer friend than I think of them. Which is a weird thought.

 

I consider a friend anyone who will be reminded of me when I'm not there. For example, if I hear a song and for the first time and I think suddenly my friend would like it (and I send it to them) or a quote/picture/anything. And vice versa.

 

I guess that's because that makes clear the distinction of just happening to be around someone and actually wanting to engage with someone.

 

I do have old friends who I was like that with once and even though we aren't like that any more, I still consider them friends, too.

[dan-likes-trees]

Good thread / interesting posts. The familiarity thing is interesting... When I went off to uni I was happy enough to move on to hanging out with new people, but while I made friends there, I've come to appreciate how good my friends from home are. Get on very well and am very close to a bunch of them, I guess I'm pretty lucky to have that, and to still be close to them after all this time. Though maybe we're all just close because we've had similar childhoods and stuff and can relate.

 

At uni I have more of a mates thing. Get on well with a lot of people, but I don't have the closeness with any, maybe one or two, but then they're pretty unreliable, blah.

 

And then I'd consider my Dad one of my best friends (I'm so cool). Only close family I have, so it's a relief we get on well. Plus family gives a kind of reliability in friendship which is important.

 

Question to all: Are your closest friends the same or opposite sex? I find it a lot more easy to have close personal chats with girls than guys - though guy friendships are alot more straightforward and reliable, I've found. Though that then makes it weird with girlfriends, as the ones I've had I probably haven't been as close to as my the girls that I've been friends with for years. Awk.

[Paj!]

I get on with a lot of people. Which is fortunate. I've never really wanted for friends.

 

I realised recently that I act differently with different friends. Not conciously/on purpose, and it's more just different facets of my personality are active/passive with different people...but I think I reflect who I'm with. Not that that means I imitate them, I just reflect their light myself. Mmm yes.

 

Like I physically can't be as extroverted as I am with one friend as I am with another. I don't know why. The friend I'm more calm/sombre/somber around is generally more calm/sombre/somber though. But wants me to be more extroverted around him. Well...

[jayseven]

Paj; I think we do show different facets to different friends, but ultimately I'm always aware that if two disparate friends met up, I'd like to still be myself and not feel too awkward being the 'me' I am with them independantly.

 

Dan; I think I get on better with girls in general simply because I'm not a 'bloke' - but I'd say that the list would be fairly even between males and females when it comes to those I feel closest to.

[chairdriver]

Nice thread.

 

My sister once said to me that popularity doesn't exist in the same way at university than it does at school. She used to be Queen Bee at her secondary, so coming from her it was a very striking thing, and it stuck with me. And I think its true.

 

People at college have commented before that I'm 'exclusive' with my friendships. I deleted 200 friends from Facebook, and now only have about 30 people from college as friends, where the done thing is to add everyone from college. But I don't want to be friends with everyone. My friend Laura said "It's strange how you're cool, but have very few friends". I just heh'ed at her.

 

So many people are just irrelevant to me. They're nice, and cool enough, and I'll smile at them if I pass, and share a nice convo if we're waiting in the queue at lunch, but I have no desire to be friends with them. [To me, a friend is someone that you can trust.]

 

I have several really close friends. I think I'm pretty lucky actually, because many of them feel accidental. Like, I'm living with James next year, and he's literally the most inspiring person in my life, and I met him in my first week in Oxford when I was pretending to smoke, so I could get out of the most awkward social event ever.

 

I love that I have a psychic rapport with Paj! too. It's easy.

 

I got rid of everyone on Facebook that makes me feel awkward. Why should I have in my life people that impose themselves upon me and make me feel awkward and wrong?

 

The people I'm friends with, I hold close. [but I'm scared I'm turning into my Dad, who's a social recluse.]

 

 

Re: Male/Female. About 35 people came to my party last week. 14 were girls, the rest gay guys. Literally no straight guys came. It was lol.

Edited May 30, 2011 by chairdriver

[dwarf]

Should deffo start a Tumblr Jay, or did you?

 

I could discuss this at length, mais je suis fatigue.

[Roostophe]

I've made new friends only to become distant and make some more in their place. My friends from my first primary school haven't spoken to me since I moved. I made new friends, then we split up as we went to different secondary schools. I made new friends only to move again, and a new batch were made. I left school five years ago and the only contact I've had since then is adding them on facebook.

 

This forum is also an example. I used to speak to everyone and had a small group I would consider 'friends' on here. Now, though, I barely come on here and if it wasn't for Xpert Eleven I'd be gone completely.

 

I spend my time nowadays on another forum, and I just spent last week on holiday with members from there. They're now my friends, but I wonder for how long. A few more years before we all go our separate ways?

 

I imagine this is how it's going to be for me with making friends. I'll lose them all and replace them. I do wish I had just that one friend who I had known my whole life. But I'll never forget any of them.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Roostophe

[drahkon]

4 years ago, when I was still at school, there were people I called 'friends'. Now they are just people I know. We don't do things together anymore. Maybe once every 2 or 3 months. But I don't really care, to be honest. They talked a lot of shit about me which I found out. It doesn't bother me that much to say that I hate them and don't want anything to do with them but it's still something I can't ignore.

 

Had a 'best friend' once but he screwed up a lot of things. Since then I haven't trusted anyone (besides my girlfriend of course).

 

As it seems I don't have 'friends' (that sounds really sad ). The only person I really like (love, actually :p) is my girlfriend.

Other than that I have kind of a mate thing going on. We meet up once every two or three weeks, have gaming sessions and talk about a lot of things. He opens up to me and sometimes I tell him something personal - but not too personal.

[arab_freak]

I don't have a best friend, and I've been slightly bothered by the fact that I don't have a steady group of friends that I hang out with. Everyone I know has been compartmentalized by my mind and whomever I decide to hang out with depends on my mood. For example, if I felt like having a "guy's night out" I'd call up my high school buddies. A night downtown? There's a group I know who's perfect for that. And so on, and so on. I may get along with everyone, but it's rarely to the point where I would be comfortable enough to consider them as my trusted circle. It's not that I wouldn't like to. I just can't.

 

Looking back, I've noticed that the closest friends I had--the only people I could somewhat relate to--were all women. Any close friend I've had that was a girl I am no longer in touch with. I meet new ones and make friends from time to time, but it's lucky to ever last beyond a year.

 

Perhaps this is why I've enjoyed using forums as a social outlet. The forums understand. The forums accept me for who I am. The forums wouldn't change me for the world.

[Diageo]

I have a best friend from my primary school days and other very close friend group that all live (or at least used to live near each other before I moved) near each other so that we can hang out easily. We basically have designated best friends for each person of the group, with me having a girl best friend and boy best friend. Now that I am in college I have quickly amassed a tight-knit group that are also really close friends. I seem to have already a girl best friend and a boy best friend, although the guy best friend was self appointed.

 

So basically I have two groups, each with a gender-dependent designated best friend, and I feel I can trust all of them.

[Eenuh]

I think I'm someone who can get along with most people, yet I don't really have (m)any real friends. Part of that is probably because of my inability to socialise and talk to people heh. I'm a listener.

 

Anyway, I had a few friends in secondary school. Still met up a few times with three of them afterwards, but that has kinda disappeared now too. Haven't seen them since February last year, when one of them had a baby. No idea what's going on with any of them.

 

Then I had three friends in my latest school. We would meet up a few times per year to do something (apart from seeing each other in school). Last year we graduated. Two of them moved on, have found a job. One of them still studies so I see her once a week in school. But apart from that, nothing is going on there either.

 

I have more contact online than I do in real life. I guess that can be seen as sad, but I think it's just part of this new social media world.

If N-E were a real place, I wouldn't mind living there heh.

 

 

*starts plans to set up an N-E village somewhere*

[ReZourceman]

I realised recently that I act differently with different friends. Not conciously/on purpose, and it's more just different facets of my personality are active/passive with different people...but I think I reflect who I'm with. Not that that means I imitate them, I just reflect their light myself. Mmm yes.

 

I was gonna post something near identical. I even was caught on film doing it at one point.

 

Literally not at all intentional and I only even realised after watching the video back and I was like "....Oh shit...." but at the beginning of this video I don't even sound like me. Speech is completely different. I emulate my friend "Phil" who is there. Also Goafer is in this video. :p

 

 

But yeah. Its weird. I don't think I do it anymore. Or I stop myself if I realise I'm doing it. Its not necessarily bad, but I guess its good to stay true.

 

Anyway, yeah. N-E is obviously friend ville. And brother ville. I feel like Paj and Chair and myself have been through a lot. I mean.....ahem, I am the only one here who watched them evolve from their baby stage, through stage 1, stage 2 and flourishing into their stunning stage 3 evolutions last year. That was one of the most interesting things about my life on the internet in fact....because I've basically followed them from them being (immature*) 14 year olds upto mature university going, think-worthy-art-producing and unfathomably-complicated-number-crunching selves. Its interesting and I feel there is definitely some kind of bond there.

 

Then there is the meets, which also paved way for sound relationships outside the forum, namely Goafer and Happenstance, as we've hooked up a few times now. Although not enough. :p

 

So N-E is definitely a big part. And hell I basically don't have any proper friends in Aylesbury. (Jamie and Molly are, but we rarely see each other/all have separate lives), so NE is the big one.

 

Then there is FB, which annoys me as some people don't use it enough. Specifically my old best friend - we speak on the phone occasionally, but its a shame/annoying that he rarely uses FB because I feel kind of out of touch. His girlfriend uses it constantly though, so I've got to know her well so feel I now have an off-link to him which is nice.

 

Etc.

 

*And I say this as someone who was immature then/now anyway.

Edited May 30, 2011 by ReZourceman

[Ashley]

instantly combine our jigsaw pieces, clap our hands and say 'yeah'.

 

yeah?

 

I have a best friend who I'm really close to which apparently causes a great deal of confusion to some people on my course ("come on, you're in love with her really?") as they don't seem to realise that I can just be friends with her. And we kind of play up on that a bit to confuse them, because we're childish like that. But that's why it works, were similar in a lot of ways and we work well together.

 

However I don't see her much any more. Due to work commitments (hers and mine) and the fact she now practically lives at her boyfriends. Its a shame as I do miss her at times but that's life. I've spent the last six years watching my friends disappear into relationships, get married and have kids.

 

I'm actually quite insecure when it comes to friendships, in the same kind of way people are with relationships. Just constantly being left behind (which I understand, I do) gets to me some times.

 

I get on with everyone on my course and really like a handful of people but we'll have to see how that pans out after we finish. At the moment we spend about 40+ hours in each other's company, how the friendships will pan out afterwards remains to be seen. But for the first time I'd like to actually stay in touch. Normally by the time a school period finishes I'm ready to move on, and quite often literally do move to a new location.

 

Then there's everyone else. I have a lot of people I enjoy intersecting with every once in a while when we can, but life tends to get in the way. But there are people who every now and then I'll meet up with for lunch (more so than drinks, I've become middle-aged :p), catch up and then go on our ways.

[jayseven]

(Have a medal for getting the reference :P)

[The Mad Monkey]

I used to have lots of friends, or thought I did anyway. When something major happens to change your life the people around you change too, or you see a part of them you never saw before anyway. All of a sudden some of my 'friends' didn't think it was cool to be seen with a cripple. Others couldn't be bothered to fit our friendships around my disability, it was too much trouble for them to see me now I couldn't get out as much. A few got pissed off with me as I wasn't the outgoing happy go lucky guy I used to be. One stuck with me though, a true friend, we would do anything for each other, and he was always there to help me when things were grim. He's gone now though, died in a car crash, I really miss him. I've got other friends now, people I've met since the MS hit me, these have been better friends in general. They aren't disappointed, let down or repulsed by me because of my condition, they never knew me any other way. Some understand me better, because we are in the same boat, some I just click with, but I know I can rely on them all, if I need somebody one or more of them will be there for me.

[Raining_again]

*starts plans to set up an N-E village somewhere*

 

Yay lets do eeeet!

 

 

 

I have somewhat autistic tendancies, find it very difficult to make friends, and I very rarely want to. I'm quiet in person and I find social things very tiresome.

 

edit: I think the reason for me being so awkward probably stems from a lot of "issues" I had with my skin. I used to get stared at a lot, treated like a leper, yadaya.... Now my psoriasis is all but gone, but the mental issues still remain. I'm still awkward about people touching me, still uncomfortable when people look at me. I've had psoriasis (and the bad attitude from people) since I can remember, and its hard to cleanse yourself of that kind of negative energy that's been beaten into your personality.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Raining_again

[Beast]

Good thread / interesting posts. The familiarity thing is interesting... When I went off to uni I was happy enough to move on to hanging out with new people, but while I made friends there, I've come to appreciate how good my friends from home are. Get on very well and am very close to a bunch of them, I guess I'm pretty lucky to have that, and to still be close to them after all this time. Though maybe we're all just close because we've had similar childhoods and stuff and can relate.

 

At uni I have more of a mates thing. Get on well with a lot of people, but I don't have the closeness with any, maybe one or two, but then they're pretty unreliable, blah.

 

And then I'd consider my Dad one of my best friends (I'm so cool). Only close family I have, so it's a relief we get on well. Plus family gives a kind of reliability in friendship which is important.

 

Question to all: Are your closest friends the same or opposite sex? I find it a lot more easy to have close personal chats with girls than guys - though guy friendships are alot more straightforward and reliable, I've found. Though that then makes it weird with girlfriends, as the ones I've had I probably haven't been as close to as my the girls that I've been friends with for years. Awk.

 

I consider my Dad to be one of my best friends as well. Our family is quite close so it's an awesome thing to have in life.

 

Just looking at your question has made me realise something. All through my school life, I would say that my mates were a mixture. It's mostly girls (a few times because I fancied them but mostly because they were funny to be with) but there were a few guys as well. However, when I left school and went to college, it's now guys. Same thing happened to loads of people on here, my mates from school just drifted away from me no matter how hard I tried keeping in contact with them, they just didn't want to know really. It was awkward having girlfriends in school because a few of them got mad I was friends with girls but I tell them from the start that I'm friends with girls and that I wouldn't stop a friendship and most of them accept it.

[Paj!]

 

Anyway, yeah. N-E is obviously friend ville. And brother ville. I feel like Paj and Chair and myself have been through a lot. I mean.....ahem, I am the only one here who watched them evolve from their baby stage, through stage 1, stage 2 and flourishing into their stunning stage 3 evolutions last year. That was one of the most interesting things about my life on the internet in fact....because I've basically followed them from them being (immature*) 14 year olds upto mature university going, think-worthy-art-producing and unfathomably-complicated-number-crunching selves. Its interesting and I feel there is definitely some kind of bond there.

 

 

*And I say this as someone who was immature then/now anyway.

 

[Ashley]

Paj would blatantly be Piper, Chair early Phoebe and Michael...one of those one dimensional demon of the week characters.

 

(Have a medal for getting the reference :P)

 

YAY! I decided a while ago when someone gets my left field references I am going to take that person behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

 

Aaaaand as we're discussing gender statistics...I don't know. But I have definitely made friends with more males lately so I think I'm balancing out.

[Paj!]

(which one of the three is Piper? I've never actually seen Charmed.)

[Ashley]

The one on the left. She was middle sister who became elder sister when Shannon Doherty got the can (or left or whatever story you want to believe). She was the most interesting/rounded character. Whereas early Phoebe was carefree but evolved (as I don't want to make Chair seem like a carefree butterfree) and Chair has that atmosphere of aloofness around him, although there's more underneath the surface.

[Charlie]

I realised recently that I act differently with different friends. Not conciously/on purpose, and it's more just different facets of my personality are active/passive with different people...but I think I reflect who I'm with. Not that that means I imitate them, I just reflect their light myself. Mmm yes.

 

 

I think that's pretty natural human behaviour. You behave differently around different people. There's no way I'm going to behave the same way in front of my parents as I would in front of my friends. And the same goes that when I'm at work, teaching kids to swim, I have my swimming teacher hat on. Whether this extends to different groups of friends, for me at least, I'm not too sure. My oldest friends (school friends) I'm completely myself because I know exactly what I can be like. With newer friends (uni, work) I'm probably slightly more reserved until I really get to know them because you don't know what you can 'get away with' (for lack of a better term) in terms of things like risque jokes etc.

 

 

People at college have commented before that I'm 'exclusive' with my friendships. I deleted 200 friends from Facebook, and now only have about 30 people from college as friends, where the done thing is to add everyone from college. But I don't want to be friends with everyone. My friend Laura said "It's strange how you're cool, but have very few friends". I just heh'ed at her.

 

I completely agree with you there. I recently deleted hundreds of people on Facebook from school etc who I haven't spoken to or even seen in years. I don't care what they're doing and they don't care what I'm doing so why should I be friends with them on Facebook?

 

So many people are just irrelevant to me. They're nice, and cool enough, and I'll smile at them if I pass, and share a nice convo if we're waiting in the queue at lunch, but I have no desire to be friends with them. [To me, a friend is someone that you can trust.]

 

However I don't particularly agree with how so many people are just "irrelevant". I think that's a harsh way of putting it. I'm probably the same as you, I'll talk to all these people in my course and get on well with them but I'd never class anyone as irrelevant. If you have no desire to be friends with them then you could be missing out on meeting some great people. I'm always open to meeting new folk and socialising with others.

 

 

 

 

-----

 

 

In terms of my own friendship. I feel that breaking it down into 2 categories is beneficial.

 

1) Friends

2) Mates

 

Friends

 

I feel that people I class as 'friends' are the people I really care about, people I want to catch up with if I haven't seen for a while. People that I would happily go for a pint with one on one and be able to hold a great conversation with. I think I'm lucky in saying that I've probably got around 15-20 really good friends. I've perhaps got more distant with them (each going our separate ways since leaving school etc) but I could still go for a pint and have a great time.

 

Mates

 

People I know, get on well with, but wouldn't ever ask out to go for a pint or do something just the two of us. Maybe you haven't known them for long enough or just don't have enough in common. Mates are quite often friends of friends. Mates can progress up to being friends if you get to know them well.

[chairdriver]

Anyway, yeah. N-E is obviously friend ville. And brother ville. I feel like Paj and Chair and myself have been through a lot. I mean.....ahem, I am the only one here who watched them evolve from their baby stage, through stage 1, stage 2 and flourishing into their stunning stage 3 evolutions last year. That was one of the most interesting things about my life on the internet in fact....because I've basically followed them from them being (immature*) 14 year olds upto mature university going, think-worthy-art-producing and unfathomably-complicated-number-crunching selves. Its interesting and I feel there is definitely some kind of bond there.

 

Yes.

 

 

I was reading back some old HCR posts a while ago, and it's just cringelol. Like... I don't understand what our bag was. And then the Rule 3 years -- the 2 seasons of the TV show where the whole format changes, and it gets mixed reviews, but ultimately it's worth watching. Not been on that site for like 2/3/4 years or something.

 

But yeah, you've always been there. Whether adjacent, or 10 away. Either way, always been in range to use your PC.