Jump to content
NEurope
Haden

Xpert 11: Season 14, Fresh Blood and Old Grudges

Recommended Posts

Ugh. Dominated possession but no joy. Gonna be another long season.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

129209761908980894.jpg

 

Mid-League Mashup Round 1: "c'est déjà entendu"

 

The Hadenless Head has deferred passed the buck given up on farted been nice enough to let me take one of the bi-weekly (every tuesgay and girl friday?) write-ups off his hands. It'll be a little different to H's, so hypnotoadhypnotoadhypnotoadBOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW LEADERhypnotoadhypnotoadrohypnoltoad sorry if it... well, sorry if it sucks I guess.

 

The unNEWsual Suspects

 

129207751403892268.jpg

Shorty is the bear in the dress at the bottom.

 

Since its induction two three whenever it was, it has quickly grown the reputation of being a bonkers and unpredictable entity. Much like a moss. The bottom league is a test of patience and endurance for newcomers, the top league is where adolescent teams go to learn how real men play. The mid-league thus encompasses all the schizophrenic, fractured teams who are all, like some of McDonald's customers, scizophrenic, fractured 'just passing by'.

 

So's your FACE. TWICE!

 

Silverdale Hotpots took on Eights United in a fierce competition to see who could be exactly the same as the other person better. Eights United's striker J-E Flatland didn't get the memo, and the Hotpot's keeper Lacey in his slow (but, his teacher says, "steadily imrproving") reading manner, was still reading the memo as the first goal flew in from 12 yards out in the first 10 minutes of the game. Silverdale's team looked good all-round, but ultimately were kept at bay by the man of the match J-E Flatland.

 

80xmkgi.gif

Edd, the cheeky monkey!

 

In a persistent but not quite galactic manner, Odwinica scavenged a miraculous three points from a long-range goal that was also their only shot in the entire game. Athletic's keeper Bain played a sizzling 12-skill game, but in the 72nd minute he had a sneezing fit while Bello accidentally kicked teh ball while tripping over his own fatty-fat feet, and scored. Dink! The sneezing was so alarming and persistent that the referee had to intervene. Worried for his opponent's health, striker Pablo "Dini For Short"Dinicolantonio confessed to a rash bout of pre-match trickery. The referee utter lack of amusement led to "Dini For Short" earning a yellow card. Athletic remained in a state of hysterics for the rest of teh game, even earning a final yellow after the whistle as gone for "roffling" from the ref. Man of the match was nobody because I said so.

 

the_moon_walk_screensaver_27681.jpeg

Broadcast Yourself
Audio

 

The Sixty-Fourthers fought hard to wreck their season's chances as early as possible. His striker Dilchad Osman was shown a second yellow for sticking his tongue out repeatedly. Soap Box Utd. were a bit fidgety in their opening game, kicking the ball as soon as they got it towards the opponent's goal in a vain attempt to create such maddening, skewed stats; 34% possession, 7 shots on goal. Osman's moonwalking off the pitch in an attempt to timewaste is directly responsible for his team's loss -- the referee added 12 minutes of added time, leading to Alfen scoring a sweet free kick in the 95th minute! No man of the match here, because I'm not actually going to do that.

 

As far as I remember, there were no other games played that day.

 

tiananmen-square-$6000029$300.jpg

 

Player of the Day: Happenstance's Shigeru Kono

Surprise of the Day: Soap Box's 95th minute winner

 

I'm probably supposed to do other stuff, I'll add to it later when Haden reprimands me.

 

Most Important Result: Shorty beating Gaggle ensures the league maintains its crazy reputation for giving one of the league favourites more work to do for their season, while also ensuring Shorty "I play two seasons out of three" McShortypants gets the boost in belief that promotion is a chance.

 

Turned On The Style Award: 62% possession, 8 shots -- Happenstance exploded out of the blocks. Hopefully a premature feat so we can expect rubbish from him from now on. Right?

Edited by jayseven

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh shit that was awesome. :hug:

I wanted you to do all the same awards but I don't even care cause that was epic! lol

 

premier-league-badge.gif

 

Mcoys Sons

FeelGoodInc

 

 

 

 

Mcoys Sons 2-0 Bayern Bru

 

The first big shock of the season took place as the Sons beat newly named Bayern Bru 2-0. Bru (formerly known as Secret United) have just come off another successful 2nd place finish in the league. However it was newly promoted Sons who in their first game in this league played with all the confidence of a veteran top leaguer. The Sons played 4-3-3 against Bru's 3-5-2, this attacking play hurt Bru straight away as their defense gave away a penalty. Newly signed Fitzgerald stepped up and won over the home fans straight away as he blasted in the penalty to the top right hand corner. With Bru's strong midfield and numbers advantage in the middle of the pitch possession was all in Bru's favor. However the Sons containing play was superb limiting Bru to only 3 chances which they failed to convert. The Sons great tactical play was rewarded when just after the restart Moses found his way past the Bru defense and lobbed a bewildered Bru goalie. The Sons seemed tactically spot on and Bru never looked comfortable. This is a great first win for the Sons who have long been predicted to be a top tier force. For Bru, their next match is at home and they will want to make a statement in that match.

Roostophe Rovers 1-1 Haden United

 

Two teams that have traditionally been seen as big hitters in this league, Rovers winning 2 titles recently United winning 1, both had a poor season last time around. So both sides wanted to make a good start but in the end honors were shared in a frustrating match. Rovers played 3-4-3 against a United 4-5-1 formation, this led to more chances for United but less of a killer edge for them. Rovers struck first as Sheldon blasted a beautiful direct free kick into the back of the net. It seemed they might get all 3 points, however Durov whipped in a curling cross from a free kick that Eveleens buried in the back of the Rovers net to draw the scores level with 8 minutes to go. In the end a draw was probably the fairest result with both teams canceling each other out. United now have a games rest while Rovers will hope to defeat Madpool at home in their next game.

 

Dysonism F.C 3-2 DuDs Baggies

 

Baggies long term dream of coming to the top league was finally achieved this season and they nearly opened their debut with a shock result. Dysonism played 4-3-3 to Baggies 3-5-2 and looked efficient and ruthless in the 1st half. Stenholm delivered a perfect cross to Bakboord who headed it in, then shortly after Stenholm easily converted a penalty. Dysonism seemed to be cruising, However disaster struck Dysonism before half time, playing all 4 defenders was always a risk, the 174 game legend Brobeck who is a rock at the back was injured before half time. Having no defenders to sub him with, star midfielder Sandford had to come on in defense. The defensive structure began to fall apart and the Baggies came forward. The Baggies created 12 chances and Dysonism could only survive for so long, first Guara scored via a diving header then Baddeley made it all square with a half volley. It was all Baggies but Dysonism suddenly hit them on the break as Bakboord scored another header to give Dysonism all 3 points. Dysonism still look a ferocious side but obviously may need to invest in back up. Baggies fought really hard and proved they are not a side to be taken lightly.

Madpool 3-2 Cubic County

Madpool had never even drawn with County before but a lot had changed since their two meetings 4 seasons ago. County who have made a great double leap back up to the top league wanted to test Madpool who are in their 2nd consecutive season in the top league. Madpool played to their strong midfield with a 4-5-1 formation against County's 4-3-3. County who won the middle league last season looked shell shocked at the start of the game. Quintal set up Hiles for a tap in after 6 minutes, Carey scored a header 3 minutes later and then Quintal set Carey loose for a stinging long rage effort before half time. Madpool were 3-0 up and the home crowd loved it, at half time the County manager must have given his team a stern talking to as they were a transformed side. Early pressure led to a penalty which Maupas put away nicely. On 75 minutes Maupas then looped in a set piece free kick for Gould to toe poke home. Madpools Quintal and Countys Maupas battled for supremacy bidding to create more chances for their teams. However the scores stayed the same. Madpool will be happy with a early 3 points to start their season confidently, however County should not be disheartened they did well and will be looking forward to the return fixture at the end of the season.

 

Analysis

 

Most Important Result: Mcoys Sons 2-0 Bayern Bru, the Sons show their pedigree as veterans Bru suffer an early shock.

 

Turned on the Style Award: DuDs Baggies, They may have lost but with 12 chances away from home and some great goals they looked on top form.

Player of the Day: Isaias Quintal, Madpool, Quintal set up two to help Madpool overcome County and Maupas.

Edited by Haden
Automerged Doublepost

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DFB3Liga.jpg

 

A new season, but who has the sugar lumps to see it though?

 

Complete Domestercool – Juicy Fruits

1 -3

 

The Completely Domesters lost their cool on Friday in the first match of the season after being overwhelmed by a delicious new taste sensation. Though both teams were evenly matched the CDs simply couldn't handle the intense flavour as two of their line-up got Tangoed and had to stretchered off as the Juicys gave them a hit of the whole fruit to finish three goals to one.

 

Martinists Men – Rising Phoenix

1 -1

 

The Phoenix fell flat in their league debut today drawing one-all against the MMs, who continue to make surprisingly positive performances on pitch despite the management chaos that surrounded their sale to a half-eaten ham sandwich late last season. Darren Bolam seemed to put the fire under the Phoenix's wings with a superb header earl in the game, but the team failed to ignite and never managed to overcome an equaliser early in the second half. The ham sandwich later held a press conference, claiming that he continued to feel vindicated by his investment in the team, though doubts about future revenue streams remain.

Lededhead Dominatrix – Discounted Viagra

1 - 1

 

The Stade de Silva was dripping with tension and unidentifiable bodily fluids as the Dominatrixs and Viagras were joined in largely uneventful game, both adopting a passive style of play since dubbed “Tantric Football.” Though the Dominatrixs gained control of all the balls Viagra could muster towards them a single goal from a close range whip in the box was all they could manage, leaving Viagra to equalise with a perfect money shot from the head of Yochi Sahara, following an unnaturally long build up that no normal man could possibly be expected to maintain.

 

 

Bayern Fish – Recall Untited

2 – 1

 

New in the pool Bayern Fish just kept on swimming as Recall forgot themselves completely and were slapped something silly by the mighty minnows. Despite drawing blood with the opening goal Recall totally failed to kill eet, as the Fish went predator and terminated their hopes of victory with two superb goals in the second half from Haamarksjold, assisted by Andervi acting as running man.

 

Analysis

Most Important Result: Complete Domestercool – Juicy Fruits 1 - 3

Juicy Fruits demonstrate the intensity of their fresh new flavour. Now available in six packs!

Turned On Style: The Juicy Fruits for a superb debut. Kids and Grown ups just love 'em so!

 

Player Of The Day: Torsten Hammarskjöld for his superb brace of goals to see the 'Fish give their opponents a real battering.

Edited by gaggle64

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know this is being pedantic, but your Most Important Result part, has the result the wrong way around :D Just thought you'd like to know. Good report! Kind of looks like its missing something now without the funny pictures and videos that Jay did, but its a typical faultless Haden job you've managed here Gaggle. Huzzah!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Set more ridiculous tactics for tomorrow. I have decided that this season will produce my best change report ever! It has to. Please?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Judging by my opponent's record, tomorrow should be too hard even for a novice like me...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn't really deserve a draw, but I'll take it.

 

I could really do with a reserve keeper. I have three more matches until he's recovered from injury.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Another draw for me. Considering the opponent it's a good result though I'm a bit disappointed I only scored once in seven chances. Thank god for my new goalkeeper, he played an amazing 14 and saved a penalty shot.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ReZ released a very, very angry press release regarding his new goalkeeper, so I guess I did something right. :heh:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh, man. That game sucked. *hates for the bruising*

 

In all fairness you had like 8 free kicks which you should scored at least 1 from:heh:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ReZ released a very, very angry press release regarding his new goalkeeper, so I guess I did something right. :heh:

 

Seriously what the fuck was that. How can an 8 skill player play a 4. I spent shit loads on him. I'm just annoyed because I had my bad season and I should do awesome now, but alas not.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Seriously what the fuck was that. How can an 8 skill player play a 4. I spent shit loads on him. I'm just annoyed because I had my bad season and I should do awesome now, but alas not.

 

I once had an amazing player who only played well in matches where everyone else did terribly and my team lost. He then seemed to get fed up at the rest of the team and quit at the ripe old age of 29.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lmao, great story there Cube.

 

A 2-2 draw away with Cube is not a complete disaster; I'm happy with the result though should have won. Good stuff though - can't believe Mcoy beat the first and second place finishers from last season! Not looking forward to our match-up :heh:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

5-1..? fucking well harsh :(

 

And 2 penalties against me in 2 games..? :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How can I set tactics for future games? I'm going to be in Europe for just over three weeks, and I was told I can set tactics for multiple matches in advance.

 

EDIT: Just noticed I'm named as manager of the Xpert11 after the last round. I take it that's a good thing, especially this early in my first season?

Edited by The fish

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
How can I set tactics for future games? I'm going to be in Europe for just over three weeks, and I was told I can set tactics for multiple matches in advance.

 

EDIT: Just noticed I'm named as manager of the Xpert11 after the last round. I take it that's a good thing, especially this early in my first season?

 

Here you go :)

xperteleven.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I decided to sell my piece of shit 9 skill goal keeper who's never put in a decent performance, so that theres one less hungry mouth to feed match experience.

 

Bought for roughly 4,000,000 and sold on for 1,932,000 two seasons later. What a waste :(

 

Loving that Rio my new number one already has 11 development value after just two games :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

premier-league-badge.gif

 

Quintal

 

good-bad-ugly.jpg

 

 

Bayern Bru 5-1 DuDs Baggies

 

Bru were back to immense form as they showed Baggies the level of opposition they will face in this league. Both Bru and Baggies played 3-5-2 both teams playing to their strengths in midfield. In the opening half the situation was close as both teams probed away, Helder scored an early 1 on 1 to make it 1-0. Then at 31 minutes Crowley converted a penalty to make it 2-0, Baggies kept themselves in it when Guara unleashed a cross that Baddeley headed in with ease. After the break Bru stepped up into 5th gear as Helder set up Brusling twice to score once via a header another from a close range shot. Crowley got in on the act scoring a 2nd when MacCalman slotted him through. There was no way back for Baggies as Bru created chance after chance and dominated the 2nd half with 64% of possession. What will be really encouraging for Bru today is not only the incredible performance but the likes of youths like Helder establishing themselves in a star studded but aging midfield. Baggies were undone time and time again today but they need to pick themselves up and go in all guns blazing against the Elites at home.

Essex Elites 1-2 Mcoys Sons

 

Which brings us on to the next game. The current champions Elites suffered a shock home defeat to the Sons who have now taken the scalps of both last years runners up and champion. Playing 4-4-2 the Elites looked balanced but lacked cutting edge. The Sons 3-5-2 left them exposed at the back but both of the Elites strikers put in poor performances. Rufus opened the scoring with a poachers effort from close range. The two Elites strikers while under performing still made a goal as Corben crossed it in to the head of Cotino to make it 1-1. However it was the Elites who made more chances in what was a close game. Jbil the Sons captain found himself put through 1 on 1 with the Elites keeper and slotted the winner away with 12 minutes to go. The Sons were deserved winners and find themselves with 2 wins in 2 games against top class opposition. Bad start for the Elites who now face a tough away game against the Baggies.

Cubic County 2-2 Dysonism F.C

 

Dysonism faced another promoted side in their 2nd game but had to settle for a draw against veterans Cubic County. The teams played different formations with County going for 4-3-3 against Dysonism's 3-5-2. Woozley played superbly for County and set up Harley who snapped a shot in off the post for County's first. 3 minutes later for the 2nd game in a row Dysonism had a defender injured and had to have Twigg this time come on to play defense instead of his usual forward role. The away fans were in disbelief that a defender wasn't on the bench to be a potential sub. Never the less Bakboord is enjoying some great form this season, having scored twice last game he set two goals up this game. First a breakaway for Boland then a header for Arber. However amongst these two goals, Twigg gave away a penalty that Maupas converted for County. Dysonism had 8 chances to 3 and may have deserved to win but the Twigg instance gave County the break they needed to get their first point. Dysonism looked very impressive overall while County showed they are not the whipping boys of old.

 

Roostophe Rovers 1-4 Madpool

 

A shock result was provided as Rovers slumped to defeat against an incredible Madpool performance. Rovers playing 3-4-3 looked from the outset unable to cope with Madpools 4-5-1 set up. Madpool made 6 chances to 0 in the first half with Quintal delivering a superb ball for Carey to knock in from close range. Mazzoleni and Tartara combined as Tartara nodded in a cross to make it 1-1. However this was a rare attacking move from Rovers who had 2 chances in the whole game. As the game closed out Quintal who was in sublime form set up Naranjo twice in two minutes to make it 3-1. Trainer scored his 3rd ever goal for Madpool with a header to make it 4-1 before the end of time. Madpool shoot to 1st in the league and Quintal has in two games got more assists (5) than he managed in 15 games a couple of seasons ago (4). Wonderful stuff from the 31 year old, Madpool after a battle against County were on fire today and this is an ideal start for them. For Rovers something looks wrong, they have been outplayed in midfield twice in two games now an area they usually dominate in.

Analysis

 

Most Important Result: Roostophe Rovers 1-4 Madpool, Madpool are top as they secure an incredible away victory against the strongest team in the league.

Turned on the Style Award: Bayern Bru, 64% possession and 5 goals a passionate display from Bru.

 

Player of the Day: Isaias Quintal, this man is on fire at the moment, the star of the top league so far.

Edited by Haden

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Damn, thought I was buying a defender! Curses! Now I have negative econs! :(

 

I'm so glad Mcoys Sons beats you too! At least I was away when I lost. :heh:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×