Posted December 3, 2005 heres my Joke: One day superman was extremely bored so he decided to call Flash if he would want to come to or something but when he called him he said he couldn´t because he was to busy practicing running so he decided to call batman but he was to busy fixing the batman mobile to come with him so superman decided to flu around for a while, in one of the building wonderwoman was lying there naked on a table with her crotch open,Superman thought then hmm with my super speed i can fly in there in a split second have sex with her without here noticing, and that he did flew in and did his stuff in a second. After that happened wonder woman said: What was that? I don´t know but my ass is killing me Invisible man said then It really is the way you tell 'em. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 3, 2005 It really is the way you tell 'em. was hurrying didn´t have time to edit it Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 3, 2005 Haha, that made me chuckle. Your crappy grammar skillz also made me read it about twice as fast as it should have. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 3, 2005 Knok knok Who's there? Go fuck yourself classic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 3, 2005 here´s a short one so my crappy gramar skillz can´t ruin it The was once girl that had been blind since birth and had always wanted to be able to see so she goes to her mother and says: Mom will i ever be able to see? The mom thinks for a moment, sprinkles some stuff on here and says: There tomorow you will be able to see all the wonderfull things and world and never have to be blind again.The girl then spents the rest of the day thinking about how wonderful it will be to be able to see and how great life will be when see can see. The next day the girl wakes but she is still blind so she calls for her mother and asks her:I´m still blind! why am i still blind? then the mom says laughing: APRIL FOOL (just to let you know the bad grammar is due to i heard these jokes first in icelandic and translation ain´t one of my strong points) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 3, 2005 2 peanuts were walking down a street. One was assaulted. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 3, 2005 2 peanuts were walking down a street. One was assaulted. montey python FTW(for the win) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 3, 2005 3 men on an island, they were walking along when some crazy monster type thing came along and said 'eat these dead birds or ill kick the shit out of you all'. The first man is like no way thats sick, the second was also having none of it. The third was rather scared by this threat so eat the dead birds. They moved along and wondered inot a cave where some huge talking spider screamed at them 'eat these human eyeballs or i will close this cave in on you!'. The first man again was disgusted at the idea and refused, the second man threw up at the idea. The third, again very scared, ate the eyeballs, and they were allowed to move along. Walking along the beach of the island, an angry blastoise jumped out of the sea, 'eat these mutated fish or ill water blast you!'. The first and second men were like wtf mate, no way. The third man was like wtf also, but it was only fish he thought to himself, and ate them. Walking through a cave, the three men could see a fish and chip shop. They carried on, when from the shadows jumped a crazy old man wielding a chainsaw. 'EAT THESE HUMAN FINGERS OR ILL DECAPITATE YOU ALL!!!' The first and second men were scared stiff, but the third man thought about the other things he'd eated so far and thought he may as well. He ate them, and they all carried on to the chippy. They got there. The first man ordered a normal sized fish. The second man, after throwing his food up before, decided to get the bigest fish they had there. They both turned to the third man 'you not getting anything?' they asked, to which he replied 'nah, ive already had birds eye fish fingers'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 4, 2005 that was a good joke but too long ^^^ why did the chewing gum cross the road? it got stuck to the chickens foot Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 4, 2005 there were 3 fleas and they all went on holiday, 1 went to the computer room 1 went to the art room and the other went to the toilet. they all came back and talked about their experiences the flea who went to the computer room said "i had a geat laugh mashing keyboard buttons and opening the disc drive, what about you bro" the flea who went to the art room said " i had a great time in the art room squirting paints around and flicking paintbrushes it was great, what about you dude" the flea who went to the toilet said " well it started off well swimming around a bit but then suddenly it turned dark, a waterfall dropped down and then there were huge waves. if it wasnt for the passing log i would have died Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 4, 2005 A man walks into a butchers shop asks the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says, "Yes". The man says, "I bet you fifty quid that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher looks up at the meat hanging on the hooks. He says, "I'm not betting on that". "But I thought you were a gambling man," the man retorts. "Yes I am," says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 4, 2005 A boy says to his mother "why do i keep going round in circles", the mother replies "shut up or i'll stapel the other foot down" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 4, 2005 2 men were sat in a cliffside bar. The first man says to the other: "I bet you that i can jump off that cliff and the wind will bring me right back up," The 2nd man says "yeah right, you're on!" So the first man jumps off the cliff and is surely enoguh brought back up. The 2nd man exclaims "WOW! do that again i dont believe it!" So the 1st man jumps off again and, yet again, is broguht safely back up to the top. So the 1st man says "Go on you try it," so the 2nd man jumps off the cliff and falls to his death on the jagged rocks at the bottom. The 1st man walks calmly back into the bar to finish his pint and the barman says: "You know, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk superman." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 4, 2005 "Mommy, mommy I'm 14, can I wear a bra now?" - "No, Peter!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 4, 2005 Have you heard about these talking terrorist dolls which came out last christmas? They wern't successful, because nobody was brave enoguh to pull the string. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 12, 2005 why does santa have no kids? Because he only cums once a year Made me laugh when I heard it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 13, 2005 What dead the Deaf, dumb and Blind boy get for christmas?...... ..... 'CANCER' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 13, 2005 not sure if this joke can be any funnier than cancer, but i'll try. there was this guy at an african game park/ zoo type of thing. he looks around the park and all he can see is this dog. anyway, the guy complains to the zookeeper/game park manager guy and says 'the zoo hasn't got any animals except for this one dog'. the manager replies 'yes, it's a shitsu' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 13, 2005 there were three guys on a road trip across america. one night they run out of fuel so they walk to a farm about a mile away from their truck. they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can stay. he tells them they can but to stay away from his daughter. so they are sleeping in their rooms and the most stunning woman comes to their room individually and makes love to each of them. the next day the father comes into their rooms and tells them that he had cameras in each of the rooms and knows what happened. he tells them that since his daughter went to them they will have to pass a test before he can let them leave. if they failed they would be shot. so he tells them all to to get 100 pieces of fruit each. the first guy comes back with 100 strawberries. the farmer tell him to start sticking them up his arse, if he makes a sound while he was doing it he would be shot after about 10 he make a sound and is shot instantly. the second guys comes back with blue berry's and is told the same so he starts. no sound after the first 10, then 20, then 50, he gets to 99 and bursts out laughing so is shot instantly. the 2 of them are in heaven and the first guy asks the other why he burst out laughing with 1 berry left to go. "well" the second guys says " i was so close but i saw the other guy coming round the corner with water mellons" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 13, 2005 3 guys walking through the jungle. their guide turns to the ans says "we be carefull" so they all wlak carefully but they stray from the path and all of a sudden they are surrounded by natives with spears they are all taken to the village. the chief stands up and shouts out in a native language. the guide tells them "chief say you walk on sacred ground and must be punnished" the chief shouts out again. "chief say death or onga bonga, must choose" they talk amoungst them selves and the first guys say " i dont want to die, so i choose onga bonga" he gets escorted out of where they are being held and gets raped by every man in the village. the other 2 see this well the second guy stand straight up and exclaims "oohh darling i thing i would rather like onga bonga" so he is then raped by every man in the village. the third say " i would rather die" the translater tells the chief this. all of a sudden there is a silence about the camp. the men are obviousely not pleased. then the chief stands up and shouts out 1 more time. the translator goes pale and turns to the third man and says " the chief say death by onga bonga" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 13, 2005 An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 13, 2005 a guy walks into a brothel with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. he goes to the desk and says " i want to have sex with a prostetute that has every known sexaully transmitted disease" the woman at the desk replies " sorry sir we are a respectable establishment, we can not cater for your needs" he replies " bull shit, how much will it cost?" "£20,000 for me and £20,000 for her she only has a week to live" he pays the money follows the directions and has sex with this woman. he is in there about an hour and he comes out with the biggest smile on his face. the woman at the front desks asks " excuse me but why are you so happy? you have every known std." he replies "well when i get home i will have sex with my sister. tonight when my father gets home he will be totally pissed off his face and wonder into my sisters room and have sex with her. he will realise he is in the wrong room and go to his room and have sex with my mother. then tomorrow when my mother is alone in the house the milkman will come in and have sex with her. and that is the bastard i want to kill for running over my frog" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 13, 2005 What is better than winning the para-olympics? Having arms and legs! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 13, 2005 The para-olimpics one is fabulooooous Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted December 13, 2005 A cowboy and an indian were walking through the desert and the indian says: "Me hungry, me want food" so the cowboy replies "well i think i saw a bacon tree about 10 minutes ago" so the indian sets off in the direction the cowboy points. about half an hour later the indian comes back with arrows sticking out of him in all directions, the cowboy says: "Holy shit what happened to you?" The indian replies: "That no bacon tree, that HAMBUSH" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
