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LegoMan1031

I need advice on a family problem

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I'm just after some advise on something that has been going through my mind alot resontly and thought this would be a good place to ask for help.

 

Basically 10 years ago when i 10 my mum and dads marrage broke down, he had an affair and it got to the point where i witnessed my dad assault my mum (she tried to stop him leaving the house and he threw her into the wall causing minor blood). Since that day i lost contact with my dad and his parents, they sent me birthday/xmas cards for awhile then stopped (my dad had also had a court order put against him not to come anywhere near the house).

 

About 2 years ago i managed to get back in contact with his parents by looking on the BT online directory for a phone number. I met up with them a few times (they live in Telford,Shropshire about an hour and half drive from me) They had hinted that it was not all my dads fault for what happened in the past and my mum had stopped them all from seeing me and my younger sister).

 

I can see where they are coming from because now i'm 20 i know what my mum is like and she is not the easiest person to get on with. Last year my grandad gave me my dads mobile phone number incase i decided to contact him. I know my dad has married the women who he had the affair with but has had no more kids. I have never brought myself to contact him though.

 

I used to be angry with him but now i'm not, should i contact him? Would he reject me? How would my mum react? Would she hate me? All these thoughts keep going through my head and i don't really know what to do. I went down to Telford and seen my grandad on tuesday and he spoke about my dad, sounds like i have grown up to like many things that he did.

 

Sorry for the long post but i would like to hear other ppls thoughts on it.

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Meet him, at least then you know one way or the other rather than being undecided about the whole thing. If it all works out then you've got a relationship with your Dad which is great, if it doesn't... well you managed this long without him.

 

I wouldn't have thought your Mum would mind, although you say she can be difficult at the end of the day she will want whats best / right for you.

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You're 20 years old, and even then, you have the right to get into touch with your own family. Neither of your parents should hate you for it. You know them more than anyone, and providing your father was loving towards you ten years ago, I'm sure there's nothing he wants more than to see you again.

 

As for your mother, she needs to respect your wishes, but at the same time, you need to show her some respect as well. What I mean is, if you do start to see your dad again, you should tell her straight and not keep it a secret. Whether it's best to do so before or after seeing your father is your own judgement.

 

All this started when you were a child. You're an adult now, so you should do whatever the hell you want.

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I think that as we grow older, our parents stop being just our guardians and start being more like real people almost. If you're not angry, maybe you should get to know your dad again as a man, not just a figure from your childhood.

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I think that as we grow older, our parents stop being just our guardians and start being more like real people almost. If you're not angry, maybe you should get to know your dad again as a man, not just a figure from your childhood.

 

Great post.

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I didn't see my dad from when I was around 7 until I was 17. I had the opportunity to meet him during the previous two years - I'm glad I finally did meet him.

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When i first got back in contact with his parents my mum didn't take it 2 well, i told her afterwoods and she became very upset and said ppl were going behind her back etc. She is fine with it now though.

 

I have asked my mum if i should contact him and she will never give an answer which leads to me to think she wont be happy with it.

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I'd only be worried you'd regret the decision if you decided not to meet him, but then I'm not really that clued up on the situation.

 

I know I'd take the chance in a heartbeat.

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Contact him. It sounds like your mum personally doesn't want you to meet him but if she was looking in on another similar situation that didn't have any personal meaning to her, she would tell the person to meet him. But for sure contact him. What's the worst thing that could happen? Your mum isn't just going to start hating you. Also. It sounds like when she found out you contacted your grandparents she was just surprised and didn't know you wanted to do something like that. You should probably tell her what you're going to do before you do it this time though. But tell her that you're going to do it rather than asking her if you should. You should also do it as soon as possible. Like Daft said, you're probably going to regret not meeting him. What if you keep putting it off and putting it off and he dies in a car crash?

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He's YOUR dad, and you're an adult now. You make the decision.

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Completely upto you mate, your mother has no right to be angry. If you want to speak to him, you've got every right.

 

I also had a dad who left me when I was really young, he was abusive to my mother so they split, custody over me ensued, and he proposed that if he agree'd not to see me, would he not have to pay child support etc. So my mum and her family agree'd to that, and so would I, if your willing to say something like that regarding your son, just go the fuck away.

 

However, he's always asked to see me over the years, and I've rejected it every time. But a couple of months back, some one added my email address and it was his daughter (technically my half sister) who wanted to know who I was etc, and obviously tried convincing me to see my real dad.

 

Basically, what I'm trying to get at, even though your dad in my eyes was a prick to your mother, he may also want to see you and obviously like most split parents (including my dad, who went to the lengths he did) still wouldnt give up on their kids. Go see him if you want, and if your mother is being iffy about it all, be sure to reassure her that you know what he did was absolutely wrong, but you'd atleast like to see him now later on from all that.

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What happened with your parents is between them. You're a son to both of them, and it's not right that you think you're going to upset one by seeing the other.

 

If you want to see him, see him. Why would he reject you? You did nothing. If he does, for some reason unknown, then you're probably best off without him.

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Your mothers initial anger would be through fears of your father turning you against her. after that didn't happen she'd be fine.

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Thanks to everyone who has posted. It has really helped me. I am going to attempt to contact him over the weekend and take it from there. :)

 

Thanks.

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probly to late but i like to share my feelings.

 

i have to say, your dad dosent sem like hes the violent type, the push was too far, but i have to admit pushing my sister once, only so much a man can take. not defending what he did, but tis not like a punch.

 

the affair is hard to defend, but at least he is with her now, you know it wasnt just some selfinsh fling, feelings were involved.

 

id say, at 20 you are in charge of your life. if your mum hates your dad that fine, but it shouldnt affect you. your a man, you make your own choices (grr etc) if you wanna see the guy, see him. he will most likly be thrilled, if hes not, its his loss, he wont get to see the awsome man you became.

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I'd contact him, expect the worst but be happy with anything good that happens. You are 20, so whats the worst your mother can do. She can't do anything really as you are an adult now.

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I'd contact him, expect the worst but be happy with anything good that happens. You are 20, so whats the worst your mother can do. She can't do anything really as you are an adult now.

 

Still though, Its never a good thing to have parents mad at you.

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I'd contact him, expect the worst but be happy with anything good that happens. You are 20, so whats the worst your mother can do. She can't do anything really as you are an adult now.

 

Well the 'worst' would be she could kick me out of the house... Although i have spoken to her just telling her i am going to try and contact him, overall she has taken it pretty well.

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Well the 'worst' would be she could kick me out of the house... Although i have spoken to her just telling her i am going to try and contact him, overall she has taken it pretty well.

 

glad to hear that, mikey~

my father was never physically violent towards my mother afaik, but otherwise i'm in a similar situation family-wise... i've always had the option of contact open to me, but never pursued a relationship with the guy - i wont go into the many boring details, but i dont think i'll ever be able/have the time to understand the things he put my mum through, let alone forgive him for them... and tbh he's not worth the energy... all i'd want from him was a genuine "sorry for being suck a fuck-wit" and since i know him to be a pathological lier ~ any apology i got would always be be doubted in my mind... so i leave it be... even if he lives a 30 min drive away.

 

i was 6 when my parents split up and i havent spoken to my father since, but for a phone call last year to tell him to stop sending me letters (mum was taking him to court at the time and he was blatantly sending them to try and impress the judge... even the judge was like "dude stop being such a shameless dick i know exactly what you're doing..." go judge!! hehe) since you were a bit older than i was though, you;ve probably got a bit more to gain from getting back in contact ~ but do think about what YOU want out of this... what kind of relationship you're looking for... a long talk to help you understand what happened, why he left..? a friendship? a father/son relationship? can you handle that?? (i know i'd never be able to get used to having a father now O_o heh..)

 

like everyone else has said.. take your time and decide what's best for YOU.

its so great you can talk to your mum about it though ~ i'm really pleased for you!! :yay:

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Thanks bluey. I have got so used to being without a dad and thats why i think i have never really been bothered with it in the past.

 

I don't know what i want out of it really. I know i would like to meet him even its just once just so if anything bad was to happen i could at least say to myself i did something and met him without my last memorys of him being a dick. From what i have been told he seems to have similar interests as me so it would be nice to spend time with him every know and then.

 

I would not be suprised if he does not want to meet as he may of moved on himself but i don't know what it would feel for him as i am not a dad myself.

 

I have only got his answer phone when i have tried to ring him so i will try again tomorrow. Was weired hearing his voise in the recording.

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yeah it can be a bit of a shock... try not to plan what you're gunna say too much, eh :smile:

 

plus, i know its kinda obvious but i'd meet in a public place like for lunch or somehting... not only does being in public keep emotions in check quite well, but also if he's a dick to you - you can storm off and leave him with the bill :grin: score!

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yeah it can be a bit of a shock... try not to plan what you're gunna say too much, eh :smile:

 

plus, i know its kinda obvious but i'd meet in a public place like for lunch or somehting... not only does being in public keep emotions in check quite well, but also if he's a dick to you - you can storm off and leave him with the bill :grin: score!

 

Excellent idea!

 

You have done this to someone before haven't u............... ;)

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Excellent idea!

 

You have done this to someone before haven't u............... ;)

*cough* urhm.... n-no...

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Would now like to add that i spoke to my dad this morning on the phone for around 25 minutes. We had a good chat and intend to meet up soon.

 

I'm so glad i made the desision to ring him. Thanks again everyone!

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Urm just one thing Mike, you might want to make sure that meeting up with your Dad would upset his new wife. Again, what you are trying to do is between you and your Dad and doesn't really include her but still, it's best not to upset anyone eh?

 

I've met up with my cousins recently. We had never really hung out because something happened when my Mum and my Uncle were young (to do with Grandad dying) and it messed my Uncle up so much that I don't think he stopped all contact with the family because it was upsetting him so much.

 

I'm really glad though because my cousins and I have managed to be able to hang out and keep my Uncle out of it so we can kind of stitch the family back together a bit. Such a shame that I will probably never meet my Uncle though, I'm sure he's probably a good guy and apparently I look just like him. Mum misses him lots because he's still the only person that she feels understands what it was like to lose her father.

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