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  • Birthday 09/01/88

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    In your base, killing your dudes.


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  1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

    Fuck all that shit. HARRY POTTER - THE FINAL CHAPTER (OR "HOW IT REALLY WENT DOWN") Harry lay writhing in the ditch, twisting and squirming in the dirty muck. He was fucked, and he knew it. Voldemort had won from the moment Ron decided to swap his legs for a crate of Chocolate Frogs. Now his friends were gone, his magic powers were waning, and he could taste his own blood on his lips. His glasses and clothes smeared with a disgusting combination of shit and defeat, Harry looked up into the darkened sky and wondered what had become of his friends. Hermione had been dragged off by the Death Eaters: probably to be forced into sex slavery, he thought. The mental image of her performing lewd acts on each of the Dark Lord's followers, lest they transfigure her into a swamp rat or some other unpleasant creature, couldn't help but arouse him - and he felt himself gain a slight erection at the thought. This gave Harry an idea: he began to visualise his friend taking part in the most degrading and explicit sex acts he could think of; thinking back to the times he spent vigorously masturbating in the Cupboard Under the Stairs, and gradually his erection grew bigger. After a while, he was able to use his penis to lever himself from the ditch, and a few short hours later he was free. Moving over to where he had dropped his wand, Harry glanced around to make sure there were no Muggles that needed killing, before shouting "Accio broomstick!" and spreading his legs to accomodate the oncoming Firebolt. As he flew towards Southampton, where Voldemort was planning to detonate the bomb, Harry began to question whether the death of every Muggle really was necessary to defeat his nemesis. Since Dumbledore had returned to life, his advice had been confusing and contradictory - to say the least. It was almost as though his common sense had remained dead, like the rest of him should have. Nevertheless, Harry had promised to accomplish this final task, and would see it through until the bitter end. It was Hagrid's betrayal that was most disturbing - though Harry had been expecting some former allies to defect and join the ranks of the Dark Lord, he was shocked by the giant's decision to abstain altogether, and fall in love with Ginny Weasley instead. He wouldn't have minded if Ginny had been sensible and dignified about her change of loyalties, but her choice to send him a YouTube link of the two lovers sharing a bath still filled him with rage. Suddenly, somebody Apparated directly in front of Harry - who, in a split second decision, accelerated - and impaled the unknown wizard on the end of his broom. Shaking off a sudden flashback from one particularly sordid affair with Ginny, Harry looked up to see that it was in fact her father, Arthur Weasley, that had been gutted by the buisness end of Harry's broomstick. A jolt of guilty panic ran through Harry's veins - until he remembered that particular sentence in the eighth chapter of A Chamber of Secrets that suggested Arthur might betray the Order of the Phoenix. Sighing with relief and smirking to himself, Harry elbowed his best friend's father from the tip of his Firebolt, and watched as his corpse twisted through the midnight sky and fell through the chimney of some unsuspecting Muggle home. "If you're ever in doubt, Harry...just jam." Remembering the words that the Incredible Jazz Musician had whispered into his ear, Harry smiled to himself again, and continued to speed towards his destination. * * * Lord Voldemort stood upon Southampton Dock - replete with his handkerchief and summer frock - and waited for the Potter boy to arrive. He would have realised by now that the very idea of Horcruxes was ludicrous - indeed, Voldemort had just made them up to scare people - and, knowing the boy, he would be on his way to disarm the bomb. Lifting up his frock for a moment, Tom Riddle turned his gaze downwards - where Snape, under the Imperius curse, had been blowing him for the last forty minutes. He smiled, and stroked the former teacher's hair gently. "That's right, Severus...that's right." However, sensing that Potter might be approaching, he murmured a curse under his breath, and a flash of green light erupted from his penis - killing Snape instantly. Hearing the soft thud of Harry's trainers land on the dock nearby, Voldemort smiled - an empty, thin smile - and turned his snake-like eyes to where the noise had come from. "Harry Potter", Voldemort hissed, "your time is up." Harry, realising that he had been rumbled, removed and ate his Invisibility Cloak before turning to face his foe once again. TO BE CONTINUED!
  2. Something I Wrote...

    http://zshare.net ? http://yousendit.com ?
  3. Blu-Ray Enabled Wii... ZOMG i hope not!

    This story has now been confirmed as fake. But Jesus, people. Fuck whatever you know about Nintendo's policy or what-have-you. Did anyone actually read the article? If not, I urge you to - it screams "BULLSHIT" from every syllable. It's very amusing, in a pathetic sort of way.
  4. Strange(r's) Songs and Poetry

    Thought I'd give this a quick bump, having read some of the other more recent threads here. I've written a lot more poetry since those early ones, and I reckon it's time for a bit of feedback. Any and all comments appreciated.
  5. Something I Wrote...

    Having read your poem - I know exactly how you feel. It's commendable that you express yourself creatively after things like this happen. I also wrote shitloads of poetry after a similar, ah, "incident" some months ago. If it helps, I assure you that things will be better after some time - I know everybody says that, but having been where you obviously are, I can promise you it's the truth. It will take less time than you think.
  6. Three words. GET. A. BLOG.
  7. "Wii Appeal will wear off"

    I am a moderator on those boards, yes, and I have been for some time. It isn't the most active of forums these days, mind - which is a shame, because there are some great folk on there. I tend to haunt one or two other boards these days, when I'm not writing or...well, venturing into the mystical, frightening "real world". I think the key to future Wii success lies in, as some of you have said, making constant and innovative use of the controller. Games these days frequently rely on "novelty controllers" to give their games a USP - with the Wii, developers can earn a whole lot more use out of the one new controller, which gives the Wii more than just "novelty" status. How much more, though, will depend on how committed developers will be into finding new avenues for the Wii technology to go down.
  8. "Wii Appeal will wear off"

    Back at you, Mr. Jamba! I don't see why his actual point was made here and not in an EA thread. But if you're right, then at least he meant it to have some relevance, and the other comments he made in his post were intelligent and valid, so, y'know, that's okay. EDIT - Oh, and good post, by the way. You're quite right in what you say.
  9. The Simpsons Movie

    I think you've made your point, several times over. No need to keep trying to ram it down the throats of people who actually enjoyed the film.
  10. The Simpsons Movie

    Anyway, humour is subjective - I'm not going to be dragged down into an argument over whether a film was funny or not. As far as I'm concerned, it was. Now, hating aside, could we maybe, just maybe, have some people discussing what they LIKED about the film?
  11. The Simpsons Movie

    Marge, for once, took action. And with Homer/Lisa - it's part of their respective characters, for Christ's sake. That's akin to saying "Bart should have acted like the perfect schoolboy, otherwise it's too cliched."
  12. The Simpsons Movie

    Believe me, motion - I rarely watch the Simpsons these days. I think the recent episodes are a crock of shite, and I walked into the film expecting to react...well, like all of you did. I think the difference was, I expected to dislike it - I didn't decide that I already disliked it before I walked in. Next?
  13. The Simpsons Movie

    All of these posts are validating the points I made mine above. Everyone seems to be naming different highlights. Spiderpig. The gorge. Maggie. Homer throwing his line back into Marge's face when she tries to convince him to return. The fishing flashback. The cat lady. Flanders with the cocoa. "Worst day of your life so far!" All of these, and more, were brilliant. People should stop looking for things to criticise; stop hating for hating's sake, and just enjoy what was a very entertaining film. Incidentally - the environmental messages were handled well, without the preachy heavy-handedness of other films these days, and allowing the comedy to take the fore. Oh, and having Mr Burns as the villain would have been like repeating the first half of the "Who Shot Mr Burns?" episode all over again. As someone else said (I believe it was Ash?), they had to make the threat bigger, and more real. I applaud the Simpsons writers for not resorting to obvious cliche (as, ironically, everyone else seems to be accusing them of doing).
  14. "Wii Appeal will wear off"

    jammy2211 - he isn't the head of EA. Learn to read. And if "joypads haven't worn off", then why did people get excited about the Wii in the first place?
  15. The Simpsons Movie

    I thought it was a great film. No, seriously. I've heard a lot of people go on about how it wasn't blockbuster material, how it was little more than a feature length episode...and they're right, of course. But it was a consistently funny, thoroughly enjoyable feature length episode - and that's all I wanted from The Simpsons Movie. As far as I'm concerned, it delivered. I find the more recent episodes of The Simpsons tedious and uninspired, just like most other people, and there were elements of that rearing their ugly hides in the film - but there are certain things that, while unforgiveable in a television episode, are perfectly suited to film (celebrity cameos, for example, which surprisingly were not overdone in the film). It was the little touches that I loved - the clever, inspired moments of observational comedy that made the early episodes so brilliant. Comic Book Guy using his camera phone to video Grandpa in the church, for example, was genius, as was President Scwartzenegger (but why not just call him McBain?), and a high Otto not realising what was happening when Springfield was in crisis made me laugh as well. These were clever, despite what the above poster claims. Not everything in the film was clever, but it's a cartoon. It doesn't have to be. The Simpsons Movie shone because, like the early television episodes, it balanced intelligent humour with near-slapstick (it may have leant slightly more towards the physical humour, like unfortunate recent episodes, but that wasn't to the film's detriment). And there were plenty of other fantastic gags - the chainsaw, Ralph's comment on seeing Bart skate past, "Clap for Alaska", Homer calling the Inuit woman "boob lady", and much more. I also liked Homer's opening rant in the film - a tad predictable, but a great opener nonetheless, and it still made me smile. There were a couple of jokes I didn't like, but overall, I thought it did what it set out to do, and anyone claiming Matt Groening has raped their childhood or whatever should take a step back, look at it again, and see that it's only a film. And as far as I'm concerned, it was a good film.